Weekly Caption Contest
Winning Entry: TIE!
As usual, the produce was limp. - Will Vehrs
"This is the last time I let you attend a Kennedy barbecue!" - Sean Martin
Also-Rans (in no particular order):
Francis W. Porretto:
"I can't believe the way these things just fly off the shelves!"
Rodney Dill:
The remake of The Passion of Christ, having been altered from the original due to claims of antisemitism, included Jesus Christ being wheeled around naked in a shopping cart being forced to listen to Fran Drescher, as the most violent torture at the hands of the Jews.
In the olden days, before the invention of eruptions, victims had to be carted up the mountainside and dumped, one at a time, by hand, into the molten lava pool. This took a lot of time.
She knew she should have checked the ad closer, then she would've noticed the heavily discounted price was because she was buying unprocessed Soylent Green!
This was definitely more than Zelda could consume in a month, but good man was hard to find.
"Not Meatloaf again!?!" [Ed. - RHPS reference?]
Having obtained Kurt, she only needed to pick up Rod and her new window treatments would be complete.
(if you have to ask you probably don't want to know the answer)
All that was needed now was the Welcome tatoo and she would place her new Matt at her front door.
Zelda had trouble finding a place to acquire a good passive male slave until she thought to check Amazon.com.
Zelda was not much of a trend setter in the past, but now she would hang her new Art above her divan.
To further garner the sympathies of Christians, the Islamic Hamas movement has produced a movie called the Passion of Ahmed Yassin to call attention to the Hamas Leader's suffering at the hands of the Jews. The Jewish Antidefamation League has yet to release an official printable statement declaring the movie as antisemitic, but Howard Stern has volunteered to convey their off the record sentiments on his radio show.
Sean Martin:
Attention K-Mart shoppers, there will be a Blue Light special on hippies for the next 20 minutes. Limit one per customer.
Mom was right, the supermarket is a great place to pick up men!
Melissa Ott:
"This isn't exactly the kind of produce I was looking for...."
Laurence Simon:
Always check the expiration date on your Live Baby Meat.
JulieC:
The more literal Christians will go to any lengths to "shop Jesus".
Palm Sunday at Wal-Mart.
What happens when PETA gets in the act on Palm Sunday.
Kevin McGehee:
"That singles bar was such a meat market!"
"I wish people wouldn't leave their garbage in the shopping carts!"
"Clean-up in Aisle 9!"
The Glendale Fire Department had to improvise after the city council cut paramedics' equipment from the budget.
Charles Austin:
Thank God the California Grocery Worker strike is finally over!
Looks like Viggo overdid it a little at the Worker's of the World Protest Day.
Meanwhile at the meat market...
That doesn't look very sanitary to me.
"God, I hope the express line is empty when I get there."
This never would have happened under Saddam Hussein.
"I'm too sexy for this cart, too sexy for this cart..., but at the Kroger..."
Ill life with cart.
Stand by your man.
Give him a cart to cling to,
And something warm when he comes to,
'Cause carts are cold and breezy.
Stand by your man.
And show the world you'll shove him
Through the express line if you can.
Stand by your man.
The Union had to resort to some very unusual tactics to keep the picket lines going after the grocery strike entered its fourth month.
In an early draft, Salome asked for John the Baptist's butt in a cart.
Oooo, that's gonna leave a mark.
Little Johnny seems to have dropped his "Zeeble bop fickle fackle bushhitler! BushHitler BUSHHITLER" sign somewhere.
Getting out the vote in some Chicago precincts.
No one was more surprised than Johnny that getting naked and passing out in the supermarket was a great way to meet chicks!
Overheard from the loudspeaker at Kroger's, "Cleanup in aisle 4."
Rejected promo for HBO's new series, "Deadwood."
Rejected promo for the "Whole Foods" grocery store chain.
"Paper or plastic?"
"Do you need any assistance getting this into your vehicle?"
What Would Mary Drive?
"Spin me around again Mommy!"
In a vain attempt to increase sales, K-Mart introduces the red light special.
The sordid, ugly aftermath of getting naked for peace.
"Did I see you down in a young girl's town with your mother in so much pain?
I was almost there at the top of the stairs, with her screaming in the rain.
Did she wake you up to tell you that it was only a change of plan?
Dream up, dream up, let me fill your cup with the promise of a man." - Neil Young
No shoes, no shirt - no service!
Daniel Taylor:
Now that's a real shame when folks be throwin' away a perfectly good white boy like that. [Ed. - best 80's movie ever!]
Almost as good as a real Messiah, and thirty percent off, too!
Accessorize! Make a fashion statement! And relieve prison overcrowding at the same time! Presenting the JailBuggy!
Aaron Johnson:
Buyer's remorse: the day before.
tee bee:
"It's true - a good man is hard to find, and even harder to get home. That's why I shop at Manmart for quality and service."
Karen Adams:
John Ashcroft's secret ultimate plan for airline safety, Phase One: Preparing Passengers for Boarding the Aircraft...
Will Vehrs:
Jennifer loved doing the monthly market basket survey
Safeway's avant-garde marketing campaign is shaking up the grocery business.
They were cheaper by the dozen, but Rosalita only had time for one.
It tastes like chicken.
Like an angel of mercy, Texas Tech student Angela Moravia scooped up the innocent victim of lettuce and cabbage crossfire between Bobby Knight and the Dean of Students, wheeling him to a nearby methadone clinic.
It took a while, but Veronique finally found a mainstream journalist willing to challenge Richard Clarke’s attacks on the Bush Administration.
Poisoned by arsenic added to the water, homeless because of the economy, and depressed by progress in Iraq, Fred was a victim of the Bush Administration, totally dependent on the kindness of his MoveOn.org handler.
Perhaps the Atkins Diet craze had finally gone too far.
Incensed by the public’s indifference to returning grocery carts to the specified parking lot locations, Rita hatched a plot.
It was a uniquely American terrorist act: suicide grocery cart.
Getting the reunion cast of “Hair” to leave the stage was not easy.
Laure Lowe:
I wonder where the bar code is on this item.
Captain Ed:
Shoulda bought the &^%# extended warranty ...
Matt Drachenberg:
The Passion of the Wal-Mart Shopper
Thanks to all who entered. Please see the main blog for this week's Contest Photo.
Weekly Caption Contest
Winning Entry:
Klaatu Barada Nikto - Rodney Dill
Also-Rans (in no particular order):
Bill Quick:
Help! The whole right side of my body stopped functioning. Only the left side works now!
Chris O'Donnell:
You feel your eyes getting heavy...now you are getting sleepy, very sleepy...
Yeah, but can President Bush make a shadow puppet like this?
I missed it by that much...
Scott S.:
"You see, the President's balls are only this big. I on the other hand, served in Vietnam."
GGCWeb:
"Ladies and Gentlemen...I have found the perfect match... my alter ego if you will. I am pleased to present Mr. Dorian Grey as my partner in orchestrating regime change in Washington...."
Adam Capps:
"So be it..., Jedi."
Rodney Dill:
"Eanie Beanie, Chili-Beanie,
The spirits are about to speak!"
"Well that is a good question, but it might be better to ask about my plans to reduce President Bush's tax cut so that the money can be invested in Democratic programs that will help the people we think need the help, instead of spending the Government's money, wastefully, on tax cuts.... You might also ask about my leadership qualities. Leadership that will not let me go AWOL on the job of supporting this country's military... while also acknowledging, nay, Leading those that the protest the same misquided military activities... This is the kind of Leadership that you can expect from a poor humble black man like myself, why I... (1 Hour 37 Minutes of continuing innuendo deleted)... And also my stature among World leaders is extremely important. World leaders that for now shall remain nameless, no must remain nameless. Now back to your question... What was your question... Oh yes, I suppose the good people of my home state could rename it to M'achusetts, while I'm absent serving as President in Washington D.C., that would save them three letters, but I don't really know why they would, but I'll support them if they do of course ... I remember back in ..."
"And folks remember, tonight all transactions are Cash and Kerry."
JulieC:
Asked about his health, Kerry answers, "Comme Ci, Comme Ca."
With exquisite finger play, Kerry tries to explain how to close the gap between his tax cuts and healthcare plan.
Help me with the answer you're looking for....
Kevin McGehee:
"Do you know who I am? No, really -- because I have no idea."
"And after you shake the bottle you just hold it like this and the ketchup will come out. I have that on very good authority."
"Wait, wait, wait. You're saying Ted Kennedy is the senior senator from Massachusetts and not me? How can that be? I served in Vietnam!"
"For the last time no, I was not the star of "Cheers." Now sit down. Sir? Sit down please. Security?"
Charles Austin:
December 2004: "Hello, I used to be the next president of the United States."
"Senator, I knew, well ..., I can't tell you his name. I worked with, well ..., I can't tell you his name. Senator, you're no, well ..., I can't tell you his name."
"I'll find the foreign leaders who will endorse me before George Bush finds any WMDs in Iraq."
"You gonna eat that jelly doughnut?"
"You see? Changing your position is as easy as flipping your wrist. Go ahead, try it."
"You rang? Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh...."
"(October) surprise, surprise, surprise!"
"Before I evade that question, you do know I served in Vietnam, don't you?"
"The Republican attack machine will stop at nothing to demonize me. Look at what they did to my hand!"
"Do you know who I am?"
The hand of Borgus Weems has taken over John Kerry!
"... and then you grasp your penis firmly between your thumb and forefinger like this..."
Senator Kerry lays the hand of nuance upon Big Media and bends them to his will, demonstrating yet again that hypnosis works best on the least intelligent.
"Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!"
"That's correct, Larry - when I am president merely waving my hand around like this will prevent anything bad from happening to anyone ever again."
The Watcher:
"Do I think that George Bush planned 9/11? I refuse to dignify that with a response... I was told that there wouldn't be any yes-or-no questions allowed in this debate."
Sean Martin:
...veerrrry sleeeepy, you are veeerrrry sleeeepy......
No no no. The Vulcan Death Grip is applied like this...
I like my interns, oh... yay tall.
Just give me a pinch of botox, maybe this much.
Thanks to all who entered. Please see the main blog for this week's Contest Photo.
Weekly Caption Contest
Winning Entry:
Laughed at for her stupidity about current events, Margo decided to wear the patch. - JulieC
Also-Rans (in no particular order):
Alyx Parker:
"It's old news models are strung out on something these days."
Aaron Gross:
I'm Suitcase Head. Gimme some candy!
Rodney Dill:
From the Geek Girl 2004 Fashion Calendar
<BLOCKTEXTHEAD>Miss March<\BLOCKTEXTHEAD>
Every man's dream, a woman with operating instructions.
...if women were packaged with User's Acceptance Agreements, like Microsoft Software.
"No, I'm still a man. I didn't have the operation. I guess you could call me a Transtextual."
John Galliano's 2004-2005 Autumn/Winter ready-to-wear fashion collection in Paris - the only imagery that the DNC hasn't complained about appearing in Bush/Cheney 2004 television ads.
Conclusive evidence of large amounts of Weapons of Mass destruction in Iraq has not been found to date. This expose attempts to profer a possible explanation for this void in the intelligence process.
"What country is mademoiselle coming from?"
"Iraq, Sir."
"Does mademoiselle have anything in her luggage to declare?"
"Nothing, Sir"
"Pardon Moi, but is that just a pet Minkey sitting on your head?"
"No Sir, that is my hat?"
"Oui, of course, you may pass."
Of course no WMD evidence remains in France today, as the WMD would
have been consumed as some form of stinky cheese.
Travelocity
Don't forget your hat.
JulieC:
Doctor, doctor, give me the news.
Kevin McNally:
Marsha's attempts to evade the "two carry-on bags" limit grew more and more desperate each passing day.
Charles Austin:
Sorry, but this doesn't even rise to the level of spinach. Collared greens, perhaps.
"You wear a hat like this you get a free bowl of soup? Oh, it looks good on you though."
Haute couture? Non, mon ami! Simplisme couture.
I think she's fairly attractive, so why'd they put a bag over her head?
Ah, zee French and their unilateralist ideas of fashion!
"Do you think that looks good?"
Thanks to all who entered. Please see the main blog for this week's Contest Photo.
Chad Bullock, President of the Marin County chapter of the radical environmentalist group Earth Liberation Front, totally loses it.
Weekly Caption Contest
Winning Entry:
A scene from Something About Donnie. - Matt Ellinger
Also-Rans (in no particular order):
Bithead:
[very low voice so as not to disturb the animals... slight English accent]: The Talk show host, desperate for sustenance of ANY kind, searches the scalp of his multi-millionaire interviewee for grubs and lice.
See, Larry? Ya shoulda gone for the implants when you had the chance like I did. No, not hair.. brains.
Ya know, I hate it when they dye the roots grey, like that, don't you?
It's called "Mary's Hair Gel" I dunno what the hell's in it but it works wonders.
Ya See? Super Glue! Never fall out...
You've been forgetting to drink your purple grape juice again, haven't you, Don?
Kevin McGehee:
In many primate species, the dominant member of the troop is often "groomed" by lesser individuals as a means of currying favor.
Rodney Dill:
Much as with the higher order primates, metrosexual grooming has become a social activity.
"Well Donald...ever been to San Francisco in the springtime?"
Laura Lowe:
A little Rogain should solve that problem.
The Usurer:
"Coming up next on Discovery Channel, how certain primates engage in mutual grooming activities, such as picking nits from each other's hair, as a social-bonding technique."
Omnibus Driver:
"Yes, it's true. I am hiding Jimmy Hoffa under there."
Charles Austin:
"Yes Larry, it's a hair gel that Ben Stiller recommended."
"Yes Larry, I tried combing my hair straight back once, but then I looked just like you."
His hair was (almost) perfect. Dip!
In a tough piece of investigative journalism, Larry King grasps Donald Trump by the long and curlies.
"Larry, are you familiar with the term regicide?"
Yea buddy that's his own hair.
That little Donald got his own jet airplane.
That little Donald, he's a millionaire.
"After the fabulous commercial break, the fabulous Donald Trump will help us examine the political implications of John Kerry's fabulous hair and how proper maintenance and the correct use of a fabulous spritz can help counter the mean-spirited Republican ill-wind of attacks on John Kerry's fabulous coiffure."
When CNN returned from an unexpectedly abbreviated commercial break, one of Larry King's secrets for getting his guests to talk is inadvertently revealed.
"You wouldn't hit a man wearing glasses for mussing up your hair would you Donald?
"Police are still seeking information from the public regarding the disappearance of popular CNN talk show host Larry King, who has not been seen by anyone for six days now. Here is a still from Mr. King's last appearance on CNN."
"Come right back after the commercial break folks, Donald Trump has just offered to show me where Jimmy Hoffa is buried."
Thanks to all who entered. Please see the main blog for this week's Contest Photo.
