Weekly Caption Contest
Winning Entry:
"She hated her costume, she hated the weavage.
She hated the way that it showed off her cleavage.
It could be perhaps that her bra was too tight.
It could be her boobs weren't packed in just right.
But I think the most likely reason of all
May have been that her shirt was 2 sizes too small." - Scott Helgeson
Also-Rans (in no particular order):
Will Vehrs:
His fantasies had moved from BBs to boobies.
This time, the flagpole incident wasn't as much of a cautionary tale for Rodney Dill's tongue.
The new spokesperson for Red Ryder signs autographs.
Charles Austin:
Santa's posse is packing some serious heat.
All I want for Christmas are your two front teats...
A refugee from the North Pole Dancing Lounge thanks her liberators.
Did you notice that guy checking his digital camera? I wonder if she flashed him?
The brutal Iraqi winters aren't quite as bad as Big Media would have us think.
"To Michael: I'm putting you on my 'bad' list. -- Santa"
Mr. Rudolph:
Is that a Sharpie in your stocking or are you just happy to see me?
Sean Martin:
Merry Christmas from a Ho Ho Ho.
"I'm not Santa, I just carry the milk for his cookies."
"I'm sorry, what did you say? I was staring at your breasts."
Shana Martin:
"See, so after the surgery the nipple will be expanded to look more like Rudolph's nose."
"Max":
"But a few of the alpha particles were deflected, like this, so Ernest Rutherford was able to postulate that the electrical field of the nucleus- Sir, are you listening?"
Russ Emerson:
OK, but where are the other two "Ho"s?
And who.., er.., what do I get if I've been bad?
Kurt Preston:
Please tell me she is the first place trophy for this year's Improbables Fantasy Football League! [Ed. - gee, I wonder who won first place?]
boviosity:
"No, I don't sing 'Santa, Baby,' as I am actually a man."
AK:
Vivid Girls dressed like Santa's whore's, showing cleavage, signing autographs, these are a few of my favorite things.
Santa baby, bend over so I can see your boobies for me.
JulieC:
Jim was only slightly disappointed that he didn't need his new X-Ray vision glasses.
There were only a few premature shootings when the Santa Baby arrived.
There are arsenals, and then there are arsenals.
Laura Lowe:
"All I want for X-mas if your two front tits...I mean my two front teeth."
Scott Helgeson:
"Something else that jiggles like a bowlful of jelly."
"It's obvious she's just a myrrh-digger."
"She's giving me a stocking stuffer."
"Someone's got some cookies for Santa."
"Her blouse was hung on her chest with some care,
in hopes that a nipple would not be laid bare."
"Lady with your shirt so tight, won't you sign this thing tonight."
"Miracle on 34-26-34th Street"
"Excuse me, I'm going to go and shoot my own eye out."
Jeffrey Harris:
'ho 'ho 'ho
Frank Vuittonet:
No! No! I am not Saddam Hussein! I am Jerry Garcia come back from the dead!
Rodney Dill:
“...it’s the most wonderful time of the year!”
Suddenly Ralphie had forgotten all about the Red Ryder BB Gun.
“Yes I did refuse to pose with the nine Democratic presidential candidates. Next to them my boobs would look miniscule.”
“Must be cold out.”
“OK, but what else to you want for Christmas?”
“No I will not be available on Christmas, I'm scheduled to make a private appearance at 15 Old House Lane, Chappaqua NY.”
"So you want the same two bad things everybody wants for Christmas? Saddam and Osama?"
"No, I am not on of Santa's three Ho's."
"Is that the North Pole or are you just happy to see me."
"If I hear that 'Only comes once a year line again,' I'm gonna put the North Pole where the sun don't ever shine."
"Naughty or Nice?"
"Saddam? Coal of course."
"I'm sure he did say some of those things about me, but if you put Charles Austin in this costume, I'll bet I could say some pretty funny things about him as well."
"...and now we return to our "Hooter's Christmas Carol", where ... where... what was I saying again?"
"No, I don't think that there is also a North Hole."
"Yes, I did sign Guido. I'm the first Transsexual Santa."
“He approached you too? Dean just me asked me to be his running mate last night.”
“Size really doesn’t matter... Santa can get down any chimney.”
“How do I prevent Santa from getting stuck in the Chimney? I hide the Viagra.”
Johnson believes he will now be promoted to General, for his “out of the box”, Intelligence gathering method that lead to the capture of Saddam Hussein. When questioned about this later Johnson responded. “Gee, if Santa stops at everyone’s house then he must know where everyone is.”
“And if you mark the ballot like this, then everyone’s vote will be counted.”
“I hope you’re the bad Santa.”
“You’re the fifth one in your group that’s asked me for directions. I thought guys were good with maps.”
Osama bin Laden’s success with evading capture would later be attributed to his ability to acquire best plastic surgeon know to man.
"With the Right coming out with action figures for President Bush, Rumsfeld, and Ann Coulter, the Left just had to respond. I'm the model for the new Helen Thomas Action Figure, which is programmed to make 14 different unanswerable attacks on the President, such as, 'Now that you have crushed the spirit of the Iraqi's, what are your plans for continuing to do the same for the American People?' "
"I'm no angel...., and I still don't want to sit on your Christmas tree."
"Watch out where the Huskies go,
Don't you eat that yellow snow..." - Frank Zappa
"My qualifications for this job are that I was a White House intern."
"The do call me the 'Head Elf', and I have no idea why, I'm not in charge of anything."
"Your's is pretty long - your caption list I mean, Rodney - but Charles Austin's is longer." [Ed. - Or, perhaps not.]
Thanks to all who entered. Please see the main blog for this week's Contest Photo.
Weekly Caption Contest
Winning Entry:
Dear Saddam,
Thank you for giving the people of Chicago someone to hate more than me.
Sincerely,
Steve Bartman. - Charles Austin
Also-Rans (in no particular order):
Matthew Barrette:
"Grizzly Adams did have a beard."
Dead Man Walking
Saddam Hussein is starting to look like Santa Claus... the nightmarish Santa Claus of death!!!!
Dick Uglum:
The interrogators just having a little bit of fun getting Saddam to say, "I am just Saddam Bad."
feste:
"Moria? I will not go through Moria unless I must."
Roger Walker:
"Mr. Geragos, your 10 o'clock appointment is here."
"I swear I'm Santa Claus!! I darken the hair for the chicks until Christmas Eve !!"
Kevin McGehee:
"I need a smoke. Anybody got a Camel?"
"I'll tell you anything, just make sure Fox knows I'm available for 'Joe Unemployed Former Despot'."
"Osama, party of one?"
[From the plagiarism division:]
Knock-knock!
Who's there?
Saddam.
Saddam who?
Saddam sorry I started this whole thing. - Johnny Carson, "The Tonight Show," 1991
triticale:
"Hungry Veteran - will work for food"
Going down the road feeling bad,
I don't wanna be treated this-a-way.
"I find your lack of faith ... disturbing."
G. Hogan:
Can I borrow your knife? I wanta carve a swastika on my forehead.
JulieC:
I was just waiting for the girls to come to me, and now this!
Will Howard Dean kiss me if he sees me like this?
Nolte, Campbell, Saddam. Will these boys never learn about bad photo contests?!
I don't think he was saying, "Wait till they get a load of me"....
Haven't seen Vidal Sassoon lately, have ya?
"I am the president of Iraq, and realize that with these scratchy lice that I am in no position to negotiate."
Laura Lowe:
It's the Anti Santa!
Matt Antoline:
"Dave's not here, man."
"No! Two weeks earlier and I coulda seen Hillary? I miss everything."
"Now why would I want to tour the industrial shredding facility? Seriously."
"Mandela said this would happen: buncha whiteys hasslin' the black man."
"I'm not worried, my bud Kofi will knock this down to manslaughter."
"You got the wrong guy! My sons will vouch for me! Funny they haven't showed up yet...."
"Where was I gonna go? Detroit?"
Frank Vuittonet:
No! No! I am not Saddam Hussein! I am Jerry Garcia come back from the dead!
Matt Drachenberg:
Proof our government is lying to us as they take Tommy Chong's cell video and pass it off as Captured war criminal Saddam Hussein in custody....
"Wasn't this last years Santa Claus at the mall?"
"ON NBC tonight Thomas Chong in his first dramatic role as Saddam Hussein in Evil Tyrant From Hell."
Hey, this guy really is going to get stoned!
Proof Jerry Garcia is alive!
Fried Kitten:
Bush's appearance went downhill after losing the 2004 elections.
Saddam: "At least I don't look like a puppet or a corporate c**t!"
Chris O'Donnell:
Bad Santa
The Uni-Dictator
In anticipation of ROTK, Saddam spent months growing out his hair and beard to look like Gandalf.
Will Vehrs:
“They’re doing to him what they did to poor Nick Nolte,” exclaimed one anguished Hollywood liberal.
The capture of Saddam has lain to rest Judge Charles Austin’s theory that the Iraqi dictator was hiding out with Asian men wearing briefs and boots.
Kiss of the Spider-Man is already in production.
Rodney Dill:
As evidenced by this picture the 1st Brigade Combat team of the 4th Infantry Division, the Raider Brigade, had inadvertantly captured Barney the presidential dog, not Saddam Hussen. Only by some quirk of fate did the DNA match between the two.
BOO!!!
Elvis has left the building.
We are not losing another mad dictator, we are gaining a new spokesperson for the Hair Club for Men
I am not a crook!
Kiss my ass, Thorton! I’m the real Bad Santa.
“I also wish to endorse Howard Dean!”
“Ok, now you go hide, and I’ll count to one hundred.”
"Is it too late to run for Governor of California in the recall election?"
"Saddam, You have killed Millions of your people, attacked your neighbors, and Hid from the free world, in a hole, for months. What are you going to do next?"
"I'm going to Disney World!"
Tongue Depressor - 50 cents
Medical Exam - 100 Dollars
War on Iraq - Billions of Dollars (but who's counting now)
Knowing that for months you've been hiding in a hole that is better suited as the basement to an outhouse - PRICELESS.
"Michael Jackson has become a member of the NATION OF ISLAM? Then I'm changing religions, I've got standards, you know."
MD Haines:
I, too, would like to thank Howard Dean for his continued support and would also like to follow my good friend Al Gore's lead in endorsing him for president.
Is it too late to enter the New Hampshire Democratic primary for president?
Charles Austin:
"I still look better than Nick Nolte."
"It's a lie! There are no American forces in Baghdad."
"Do you know me? I used to be a tyrant seeking weapons of mass destruction, responsible for the death of hundreds of thousands -- if not millions, brief conqueror of Kuwait, and sponsor of Palestinian splodey-dopes, but now I'm just another bearded Joe headed for Guantanamo thanks to the American Armed Forces. The American Armed Forces, don't leave your hole without them."
Are you sure that isn't Fidel?
"Please vote for Howard Dean. It's my only chance for freedom."
How long do you think Jerry Garcia has been down there singing "A Touch of Grey" to himself?
"I can change, I can change! I can keep my promises I swear it!"
Announcer: "Saddam, You've just been drug out of your spider hole by the 4th ID. What are you going to do now?"
Saddam: "I'm going to Disneyworld!"
Announcer: "Only when they open the Cuba Disneyworld at Guantanamo, shoemaker."
"Say you don't know me, but you don't like me.
Say you care less how I feel.
How many of you who sit and judge me
Have walked the streets of Bakersfield?" -- Dwight Yoakum
And all the girlies say I'm pretty fly for a white guy.
"What is the problem with Michael Jackson?"
Someone needs a hug.
Saddam caught in a moment of relection as he ponders the answer to the question, "Do you want to be fed into the plastic shredder feet first or head first?"
"I'm ready for my closeup, Mr. DeMille."
"What's the frequency, Kenneth?"
Spider(hole)man, Spider(hole)man, does whatever in a spider(hole) can. Spins a web (of lies), any size, murders men just like flies. Look out! Here comes the Spider(hole)man.
"Shaheed for thee, but not for me."
"I've got one phone call? Anybody know the international dialing code for France?"
Saddam Hussein, you are the weakest link. Goodbye!
"Now you can end the occupizzle, fo' shizzle."
Thanks to all who entered. Please see the main blog for this week's Contest Photo.
Weekly Caption Contest
Winning Entry:
"After that flagpole incident I'm kinda careful about sticking my tongue just anywhere!" - Rodney Dill
Also-Rans (in no particular order):
Francis Porretto:
"You shouldn't have had that sixth martini, dear. It's going to take me an hour to get your knickers untwisted."
Adam Capps:
The warm glow of electric sex....
Well, it's a major award....
JulieC:
Some Democrats will look anywhere for a taxpayer dime to waste.
Yep, Clinton's been here too...
Another rejected accessory from "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"
It's not a hat, you idiot!
Getting drunk on New Year's Eve and wearing a lamp shade takes on new meaning.
Laura Lowe:
"Wow! How realistic!"
Matt Antoline:
"If you like this, you'll love our new line of wall sconces!"
"Yeah, yep, that's your problem right there, sir, you didn't screw in the- y'know, sir, I'm surprised you couldn't figure this one out yourself."
This dedicated engineer is hard at work on the latest in mini-hoop-skirt technology.
This was Edison's goal all along.
Matthew Stinson:
"Analysts predict major sales as a new line of Bill Clinton-designed table lamps the stores in time for Christmas."
Matt Drachenberg:
I WON A MAJOR PRIZE!!!
Andrew Hofer:
"How do you turn this thing on? I can't find the switch!"
Chris O'Donnell:
And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.
The search for Dennis Kucinich supporters continues...
Is this one of those upskirt photos I keep hearing about?
Can you hear me now?
Nice Beaver
Will Vehrs:
The search for dirt on Howard Dean continues.
The Young Scrooge had other interests besides Christmas.
Democratic Party intern Justin Baker gazes wistfully at the spot where Al Gore left his secret notes to Howard Dean.
If only the real thing always had a light over it....
He couldn't see the fine detail too well, his eye having been shot out.
A large box would be needed to ship this major award.
TPB, Esq.:
"It's foreign. See, it's says fra-gi-le."
Charles Austin:
"Yes, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel."
Poor Mr. Ward was reduced to doing porn movies after his career nose-dived. Here he is in a still from "A Christmas Whore-y."
"Is that a two-way bulb?"
Careful Mr. Ward, you'll put your eye out.
How many grown up child-actors from "A Christmas Story" does it take to change a light bulb?
"Nice gam."
"I'm just looking for the on/off switch. What do you think I am?"
Do you think Thomas Edison would have terminated his research and destroyed his notes if he had known what uses people would make of his inventions?
Peter yelled from the side, "I triple dog dare you to stick your tongue in the socket."
So that's where babies come from.
At the "A Christmas Story" cast reunion, Zack demonstrates his inner thigh inspection technique for Peter.
"Hey, that gum I put on the lampshade during filming is still there."
"Yea Peter, like you weren't doing this on the set every day when you thought no one was looking."
Rodney Dill:
Eternal optimist: “I just know there’s a pussy up there somewhere.”
“Dammit Santa, I really wanted a Red Ryder BB Gun for Christmas.”
DNC operative planning to place this lamp in a conspicuous spot at President Bush’s upcoming engagement with the League of Women Voters, knowing that like a moth to a flame the President would be attracted to it. And, just as with the Iraqi visit, Turkey Platter incident, another photo op scandal would be born.
AAAUUGH!… its a shemale.
The owner of Ray’s lighting was looking forward to a very good Christmas, as Kansas State supporters were purchasing a lamp for every member of the team and coaching staff of the Oklahoma Sooners Football team to commemorate the day they “Lost their Legs.”
Thanks to all who entered. Please see the main blog for this week's Contest Photo.
Weekly Caption Contest
Winning Entry:
The Dems must be stumping at half-time nowadays.... - JulieC
Also-Rans (in no particular order):
Bret Ryckmen:
Look at this picture wihtout yawning. I dare you.
Bill Altreuter:
I know how you feel kid. I was the same way when my old man told us we we were Jets fans.
Charles Austin:
Y - A - W - N YAWN! YAWN! YAWN!
Perhaps there are worse Dads than Michael Jackson after all.
His teeth have been filed down and his ears clipped a bit, but hey, isn't that the alien baby from the Weekly World News about eight years on?
Soylent green is people!
"freedom"
"Jersey A sucks!"
"Just give me the damned cotton candy!"
The Green Hole.
Do you think this is what Pete Rozelle had in mind?
Will Vehrs:
And he's on chewable steroids, too.
A rare photo of Mark Gastineau as a child.
A Times investigation revealed that the New York City Child Welfare Office failed to check this child's buttocks for additional numbers painted by "Uncle Larry."
Few knew that Michael Jackson had special parties for Monday Night Football.
Little Jason dreams of the day when he can go to college, get drunk, and appear at a televised NCAA football game wearing only school colors painted on his skin.
Meadowland officials were warned to stop selling sweetened soft drinks in Section 42.
Thanks, Father Bob, taking me to the game, too!
Caitlyn Vehrs (Age 8):
I don't mind when he's absent from class. Brat!
You should see him at recess!
He looks funny in a bike helmet, too.
Sean Martin:
Sorry I dozed off - how are my Patriots doing ....
Introducing the newest inside linebacker for the New York Jets. "We're really hoping he can revitalize the team."
JulieC:
IQ Advertising - the latest Jets fan fad.
Yes, son, keep going like that, it's growing like real grass!
A Jets - Redskins mix up?
Matt Antoline:
Inmates at a Martian Mohawk prison camp.
I totally hate it when the skybox yuppies get drunk on pink champagne and start lobbing sushi out the windows.
He's at that awkward age. Y'know.
Matt Drachenberg:
Jets fans prepare to suck big donkey d*cks, just like every other year.
KDANTEATER:
Future Beer Guzzlers of America.
Thanks to all who entered. Please see the main blog for this week's Contest Photo.
