Weekly Caption Contest
Winning Entry:
"I'm going to enjoy watching you vote, Mr. Anderson." - Charles Austin
Also-Rans (in no particular order):
Kevin Jacox:
Musical Entry
Susanna Cornett:
I command you, demon, to come out of Ms. Hillary! Release her from her presidential delusions and let the truth of Dean be heard!
Dean sells himself to the American people: "What do I have for this fine politician? Five? Do I see 5000? Presidential candidate, upstanding citizen, do I see 10,000? Yes, that's 10,000 from the environmental special interest groups. Do I see 15,000? 15,000? 30! That's 30,000 from NPR, sweeetttt, that'd be tax dollars. 40? Do I see 40,000? Yes! 40,000 from Ben & Jerry's, with whipped cream and a cherry on top... Kinkkkyyyy!!"
"And I said, just touch me, Neo..."
Will Vehrs:
I command the foul demons that torture your neo-con soul to rise up so that I may smite them with my righteous platform!
The "Howard Dean Show" was a ratings hit in the Dubuque.
"Mr. al-Abeeb, Saddam Hussein cut your father's tongue out but looters ransacked your hut after the American invasion, so you can't really say that things are better now in Iraq, can you?"
Look, you DLC Judas, I represent the Democratic wing of the Democratic Party, so you can just bite me!
After walking out of a contentious debate with Senator Kerry, Dean was spotted in a karaoke bar.
Bill Altreuter:
"Turn your head and cough."
Mark Lardas:
"Fee-e-e-lings.
Nothing more than feee-e-elings...
do I offer you."
Simon Coles:
"For my next trick, I will make all your jobs, savings, and national borders disappear."
Christine:
Dean gets down with Snoop Dogg on Karaoke Night..
Alan Kurth:
"Hey, if Mick Jagger can still work the stage at 60, so can I."
Bruce Henderson:
"Look into my eyes.... At the count of three you will be able to remember my name beyond the end of the sentence in which it is used!"
Richard Stone:
"You never close your eyes anymore
When I kiss your li-i-i-ips...."
Laura Lowe:
[Singing] "Only yoouuuu, can make my heart seem light...."
Kevin McGehee:
"And now
The end is near
And so I reach
The final curtain..."
Rocket:
"Okay...just stick your wallet a liiiii-tle closer to me...."
Charles Austin:
"Hi! My name is Howard Dean, and I represent the illiberal utopian statist wing of the illiberal utopian statist party."
Big Media had come to dread karaoke night at the DNC Presidential Debates.
Somebody must have told Howard that Britney's career really took off when she started singing in malls. [Ed. - Wasn't that Tiffany?]
I haven't made fun of Howard Dean yet? Damn, I must be slipping.
"I come before you not to parry Caesar, but to braise him."
Howard Dean for President! Can I get an 'amen?' I said, can I get an 'amen?'"
"Thank you very much. I'll be here all week."
I'm the Big Howie D, your DNC MC.
Be your prez in 0-4, not chillin' like Al Gore.
John, Dick and Kerry -- lookin' kinda scary.
Cuz they can't beat the Dub, I said, 'Aye, there's the rub."
I know you can't be down with the other Dem clowns
Like Republican Joe, Al, Dennis or Mo.
Now just you remember next year in November,
When it's time for the strike, I'm da bomb on da mike.
Word.
"Citizen, what do you want to hear?"
"I am a lonely visitor. I came too late to cause a stir, though I campaigned all my life towards that goal. I hardly slept the night you wept, our secret's safe and still well kept where even Richard Nixon has got soul -- even Richard Nixon has got soul."
"...Tramps like us, baby we were born to run."
"You with the Kerry button, I'll rip your heart out if you interrupt me again."
The hand of Borgus Weems makes another appearance in the Caption Contest.
"Help me. I've fallen in the polls and I can't get up."
"Thank you for showing up today and giving the announcement of my candidacy for the presidency twice the audience that Carol Mosley-Braun was able to get for her announcement."
"Zeeble bop fickle fackle bush Bush BUSH!!!" (Hat tip to the mysterious Juan Gato.)
"What is the most important issue in my campaign? Well, since this is Iowa, it's the agronomy stupid."
"Message: I care."
"I didn't know Sid Blumenthal had a nose ring!" (Hey, it worked last week.)
"Are you making fun of me sir?"
"Nothing up my sleeve... or in my entire suit for that matter."
"Key change..., 'To dream the im-pos-si-ble drrrreeeeeeaaaaaaaammmmmm!'"
"Pick a card, any card."
"At the DNC debates, we've taken to calling ourselves the axis of lesser evils, or is it evil lessers."
"Pay no attention to the terrorist's nuclear blast to my right. The real problem is how President George W. Bush is squandering the safety of Social Security with his tax cut for the wealthy."
"Friend, I'm on a tight schedule, so would you mind if I cut in line to see The Matrix Reloaded?"
"If you elect me, I'll make sure the elected Democrats in Texas stay in Texas."
"I know kung fu!"
"Well, you can be damn sure I won't be giving away cases of cigarettes to homeless people to get them to vote for me."
"President George W. Bush is from Mars, and I am from Venus."
Howard Dean froze in mid-sentence as he noticed the same black cat cross in front of him, just like it did ten seconds before.
"The War against Iraq will be a terrible mistake, sacrificing tens of thousands of young Americans so President George W. Bush can get his hands on Iraq's oil. I don't like Saddam Hussein any more than your average Iraqi, but we have to give sanctions time to work and the United States must yield to will of the United Nations."
"Martin Peretz said that you were not a serious people for not electing Al Gore as President, but I'm willing to give you a second chance."
"Well, yes. Federal, state, and local governments do consume just over 40% of GDP. What's your point citizen?"
"Well, perhaps you've read my position paper on the Healthcare Reform Act of 1994, Section 14.3, Subsection 8A, bullet 3, regarding the assignation of directed funds to pre-paid care providers by the regional Healthcare Disbursement Committee in the event of a dispute stemming from an elective procedure where a second opinion had not been obtained prior to the execution of the elective procedure due to a denial of claim by the regional Managed Care Policy Committee acting upon the directions of the National Managed Care Policy Committee, and how that might affect your future ability as a consumer to select you own physician in a follow-up procedure under the guidelines established, and as modified, in Section 8.4, Subsection 13, parts C, D, and F. No?"
"You are getting sleepy..." [Ed. - yes, from the previous entry.]
This week's Donkeymon is Howard Dean. He has effective knee-jerk combat skills against all Donkeymons to his right (all but the Kucinich and Sharpton Donkeymons) when preaching to the converted, but is susceptible to logic attacks and direct blows delivered without feints, i.e., when confronted by reality. Donkeymon -- gotta catch 'em all!
"Go ahead, pull my finger."
Aren't there any Democrat Governors from big states to run for President? Aside from Gray Davis, of course.
I guess it's a good thing somebody invented wireless mikes.
"Here I am to save the day!"
"Thank you very much."
"You've got trouble right here in Iowa City. That starts with "T" and it rhymes with "B" and that stands for Bush!"
"Damnit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a presidential candidate!""The next item up for auction is an autographed picture of John Kerry. Who'll give me 5, 5, 5, 5, I've got 5. Who'll give me 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 7, 7, 7, 7, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6. Going once. Going twice. Sold to the French-looking Sentaor from Massachussetts for one nickel."
"I gotta be me, I gotta be me!"
While Howard Dean struggles to make eye contact, he's a pro at establishing lens contact almost immediately as soon as the lens cap comes off the camera.
I don't play one on TV, but I am really a doctor.
"C'mon, I'll arm wrestle you for your vote."
Putting an animatronic Howard Dean in every mall didn't turn out to be as good an idea as his campaign thought.
Thanks to all who entered. Please see the main blog for this week's Contest Photo.
Weekly Caption Contest
Winning Entry:
I didn't know that Sid Blumenthal had a nose ring! - Charles Austin
Also-Rans (in no particular order):
Kevin McGehee:
"Hey, wanna see my James Carville imitation?"
The things a guy has to do to keep two girlfriends happy at the same time.
EMUSE:
Spoiled Rotten, circa 2003.
Caitlyn Vehrs (Age 8):
Hey Dad, would you let me do that?
Which side has the taste buds?
Laurence Simon:
He's dating Siamese twin sisters.
Daryl Parker:
Ways to entice women home #32....
You think this is extreme: you should see his tallywacker.
New candidate displays his ability to speak with forked-tongue.
Tony Hooker:
If you see this man, never ask him to say the word "lisp."
Bret Ryckmen:
Earlier this week, George W. Bush's political replacement was named.
Charles Austin:
Oooo, that left a mark.
(Using my best Daniel Day-Lewis as Hawkeye impersonation) "Man from Ken-tuc-kee speak with fork-ed tongue."
The hazards of pulling a Michael Jordan while having a ring inserted in your nose.
The only man I know of that can... no, I won't go there.
Sticking your tongue out is just so..., so juvenile.
Ari Fleischer's replacement.
Why yes, as a matter of fact your tongue will stick to a flag pole in sub-zero weather.
The new French kiss.
I've heard a joke with traveling salesmen, a farmer and his daughter, and razor blades and that is too long to include here, but has this picture as the punch line.
Michael van Winkle:
All time, undefeated, tonsil hockey champ!
"I said... don't Fuck With Me!"
"You should see my girl friend."
"...and for my last trick, I'll take my nose ring out with my tongue"
They say he no longer stutters
Thanks to all who entered. Please see the main blog for this week's Contest Photo.
Weekly Caption Contest
Winning Entry:
"Dammit! Who keeps squeezing the weed from the bottom?" - Matt Drachenberg
Also-Rans (in no particular order):
Jeffery Harris:
"I was born a poor black child... oh, wait...!"
"It's always better to have a spliff than a spleef...."
"Who'd have thought that confusing perpendicular with parallel could possibly end up so potentially nasal?"
"Ahh..., glaucoma..."
Will Vehrs:
The "Bloomberg" created quite a stir on the streets of New York City.
MarkRDahley:
Shakespeare in the 'hood: "Is that a reefer I see before me?"
Daryl Parker:
Try new Democrat Brand Roaches - why think tax cut when you can have a Democrat!?!
Chris o'Donnell:
Pass the Dutchie on the left hand side
Pass the Dutchie on the left hand side
It a gonna burn.... [Ed. - Sadly, I heard this song less than a week ago....]
Can't... hold... it... in... any... longer...!
Why yes, I am voting for Rev. Al Sharpton.
"Man! Ever since Clinton left office you just can't get good weed anymore!"
MO:
"That's some reallllllyyyyyyy good sh*t, man!"
A Democrat demonstrates how they come up with their half-assed ideas on the war, the economy, and morality.
Jefferson Williams of Clinton, Illinois demonstrates the proper inhaling technique for William Jefferson Clinton.
Bruce Henderson:
"Look close. You sure you don't see anything in my left nostril?"
"Damn! I forgot how good this sh*t was.... since this morning!"
"Mmmmm! Refreshingly cool menthol taste...! And I prefer the refinement of the plastic tip!"
"are YOU talkin' to me?!?"
Kevin McGehee:
"Who knew a low-tar cigarette could give me such a buzz?"
"Mmmmmmmmmmmm! Menthol!"
To the surprise of many, the Drug Control Policy Czar's idea to stamp a Surgeon General's warning on all joints did in fact discourage people from using marijuana.
"Pass the douchie from the left-hand side..." [Ed. - Unbelievable!]
John Cross:
“Man...! I gotta hit these anti-war protests more often!”
Thanks to all who entered. Please see the main blog for this week's Contest Photo.
Weekly Caption Contest
Winning Entry:
The real torture comes when she starts spouting off her ignorant opinions about oil and politics. - Mark Mills
Also-Rans (in no particular order):
Ron B.:
Bill Clinton finds new hobbies in retirement.
You will vote Democrat, PIG!!!!
PSJen:
It's only the beginning Dodd....after I rip off your pathetic nipples, I'm going lower!! You'll wish you were a fried motherboard before I'm through!!
Arnonerik:
"If pinching them is not enough to make you say 'Uncle' I may twist them too!"
Chris o'Donnell:
Tonight on Where Are They Now 2007: Gwen Stefani!
Robert:
"Her hair wasn't up like that before he started breathing hard."
"Life begins at Dominatrixcising."
"Iron Man trainees."
"World's weakest man competition."
"Anything else sir?"
"Actually, I wouldn't mind a pillow...."
Russ Emerson:
"One more situp, your way or my way. My way hurts."
Members of the Madonna Wannabees Club fanned out across the city, one by one apprehending members of the Masked UPS Driver Gang.
Julie C:
Pilates Class at the Riverside Bar
Once give to excess, "Crash" and Ted try to turn over a new healthier leaf
Mark Mills:
Dodd's onsite PC tech support person once again fails to understand "reboot".
Finally! An Ab Cruncher that works as advertised!
Bruce Henderson:
"Give up DOMINATRISH, you powers are useless against a true X-MAN. I guess you noticed you've lost your footing due to my invisible power wand... and look, no hands even!!"
Charles Austin*:
Say, is that Bill Bennett? And Scott Ritter?
Oooo, that's gonna leave a mark.
This gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, "she who must be obeyed."
"I know what boys like, I know what guys want." (The Waitresses)
My winning caption is in the mail.
So Dodd, does your new house have a basement?
Francisco Scaramanga relaxes comfortably in the realization that she only has two hands.
"F*ck with my motherboard, will you?"
"I've told you already, there are no American troops in Baghdad!"
"Is that all you've got?"
Ruminants? No. Hermaphrodites? Maybe.
Annie Sprinkle's fab NEA-funded version of Jean-Paul Sarte's play No Exit.
Now that's crushing dissent!
"I said I had to have your entries before I get home from work on Thursday!"
A still from Christina Aguilera's latest video, "Whore 4 U."
"Hear me talkin', hillbilly boy? I ain't through with you by a damn sight. I'm gonna get medieval on your ass."
Ex-men, two.
Kevin McGehee:
After her successful guest-starring role on Will & Grace Madonna pitched a new TV series idea in which she plays the owner of a hip new sadomasochistic fitness club called "Get Buff with Bondage." Network execs plan to decide on the series after seeing the May sweeps.
Jim Smith:
Future Crimson Tide ex-coach??
Another candidate interviews for the Alabama job.
Bret Ryckmen:
Did you hear the one about the two lawyers...
Daryl Parker:
"Holy flogging flamingoes Batman - this is the stickiest situation yet!"
The missing episodes of the original Batman series they didn't want you to see...
Kurt Preston:
Fox News Analyst Greta Van Susteren interviewing a couple of retired generals.
Desperate to win next week's Caption Contest, Susanna convinces Kevin McGehee and Will Vehrs to submit their entries in her name.
Meanwhile, French Defense Minister Michelle Alliot-Marie is caught debriefing Udai and Qusay Hussein shortly after their arrival in Paris.
Mike:
Tori Spelling's new gag gig.
Aaron Spelling's nightmare.
Democracy! Whiskey! S&M!
Hillary Clinton's exploratory commission sizes up support for a 2004 presidential bid.
Augusta National goes co-ed.
Gary Hart celebrates end to his 2004 presidential campaign... and loves every minute of it.
Thanks to all who entered. Please see the main blog for this week's Contest Photo.
* I'm sending in more captions than usual (how can you tell?) since I assume we won't be seeing one from Caitlyn this week.
Weekly Caption Contest
Winning Entry:
This scene from Matrix Reloaded was cut after it was determined the stunt double (foreground) didn't look enough like Keanu Reeves for any amount of digital re-imaging. - Kevin McGehee
The Bullfighters' Union later demanded the league stop using Australian bulls. - Kevin McGehee
Also-Rans (in no particular order):
Allyson:
"Heads I win, tails you lose."
Robert Reich:
In retrospect, this photo taken in March 2000 was prophetic of things to come in the stock market.
Susanna Cornett:
"Oh, look! The bullfighter's cape matches my dress!"
John Coupal:
A bull walks into a bar... yells, "Hey, Everybody, the highballs are on me!"
Caitlyn Vehrs (Age 8):
"I'm going to stand on my head until you get rid of that hideous pink cape."
Will Vehrs:
This would be Pablo's last act, at least if Rick Santorum had anything to say about it.
Russ Emerson:
"It's tails! Matadors, do you elect to kick or to receive?"
Mark Lardas:
One thing about Manuel, whenever the fight got dull, he'd liven things up by throwing the bull.
Teebone:
El Matador: "I hope PETA isn't watching this. They'll revoke my Vegan status..."
Bear:
Bull: "Yeah, sure, you think you're hot stuff swinging that stupid blanket around. But I gotta ask you: can you stand on your head? Like this?"
Bullfighter: (under his breath) "Geez, I just had to get a show-off this time! What a bunch of bull..."
Bruce Henderson:
Elmer simply wasn't progressing in remedial bull school....
Elmer "Thud"
Javier had mastered the art of balancing a bull on a small pile of salt.
The wire could barely be seen....all thought it was a well-hung bull.
The male hormone-laden beast was simply driven mad by the substitution of a fuschia cape for a red one.
Sleep apnea... not just for humans.
Jorge' waited cautiously, knowing that some bull's were known to be masters of playing 'possum'.
The bull carefully drew his proverbial line in the sand.
Charles Austin:
"Stand on your head Sparky. Good boy!!!"
"Oh, I see Sparky's a boy cow."
Third row, third from the left... isn't that Saddam Hussein?
Last week's contest featured a female ruminant and this week's contest featured a male ruminant. Good luck finding a transgendered or hermaphroditic ruminant for next week's contest. I mean, you do want to be inclusive when it comes to the use of ruminants in your caption contests, don't you Dodd? [Ed. - he's on to me, I think.]
Ooo, that's going to leave a mark.
Soy un perdedor,
I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me.
Tonight on Fox: When Matadors Attack!
"I meant to do that."
See what happens when you don't wash the red cape in cold water?
Break-Dancing In the Afternoon
Stay away from the brown acid.
"Hey, how come everyone's upside down?"
Excedrin headache #321.
Salvador faked the bull right out of his, ... uh., ... jock.
"Where in the hell is PETA when I really need them?"
Wasn't this one of Letterman's stupid pet tricks?
There is no spoon.
Somebody needs to lay off the Schlitz Malt Liquor.
Livin' La Vida Loca.
The Waltz of the Toreador?
How did we ever get to here from Minoan Crete?
Once again, the Man is keeping the black bull down.
Julie C:
Tired of the heckling during the bullfit, Bob the Bull gives them a real good view.
The 2003 Breakdancing Bull Contest Winner!
She gasps at the sight of his.........[blush]
Kevin McGehee:
A red cape enrages a bull. A pink one makes him roll around laughing hysterically.
Fortunately for Ferdinand, the next day he got a call from his agent about a new Merrill Lynch ad campaign, and his acting career was off and running once more.
The halftime show idea was scrubbed after this E-bull Knie-bull stunt went tragically wrong. On the bright side, everyone in the front row took home a fresh porterhouse steak.
The guy in last week's picture is lucky his wife preferred venison to beef.
Fortunately for Ferdinand, the next day he was hired by the National Highway Transportation Safety Administration, and his crash-test dummy career was off and running once more.
Mark Mills:
Just like with the dishes at home, Jose's magic tablecloth trick had gone wrong again.
Thanks to instabilities in the region, Spain's military has begun testing on their own "Bunker Buster."
Thanks to yet another embarassing moment in the media spotlight, George knew his thoughts on family, economic reform, national defense, and tradition would be ignored. He couldn't even be consoled with a funny bull picture.
David Perron:
After demonstrating his prowess at judo on the bull, Enrico doffed his pink cape and took a bow.
“Now, bicycle! After this we do situps!”
Daryl Parker:
If they applaud this guy in the crazy duds for waving a rag, they're gonna go nuts over a breakdancing bull!!
"I am never, ever going to let Carlos adjust my brakes again...."
"I should've listened - Bill said this would happen if I inhaled...."
Kurt Preston:
The Schlitz Brewing Company unveils it's new "Bite Me, Frenchie!" ad campaign designed to promote Malt Liqour as a practical alternative to wine.
Laurence Simon:
"Do the robot! Do the robot!"
Thanks to all who entered. Please see the main blog for this week's Contest Photo.
