Yet again, Saddam makes a spectacle of himself.

Startled during his speech, Saddam wonders if it is only a vision or if there truly are virgins swaying through the doorway toward him.

Kevin McGehee
"Chirac, party of one?"

"The most heinous crime against Iraq-and-humanity committed by the criminal Bush is this morning's bombing just as I was putting in my contact lenses."

"I am Balok, commander of the First Federation vessel Fesarius."

"I repeat, Chirac, party of one?"

In hopes of relaunching their television career, Sid and Marty Krofft stage the PR coup of the century with this "live speech" by their newest puppet creation.

"Have that man shot! Everyone knows only I ever win at bingo around here!"

"Bueller?"

"Last call for Chirac, party of one!"

"...and the winner for best fake speech by a fake world leader is..."

"Arafat, party of one?" [Ed. - Winner: Best Meta-Caption or Running Joke]

Ron B.:
"Oh my God, did I fuck up Big Time! I bet my wife is really pissed off this time!!!"

"Excuse me! That was just a little gas!"

"No, that's not a Kurd in my pocket! I'm just glad to see you!"

"Please pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!"

Kevin Jacox:
Presenting the musical that will revive Broadway! Walter Matthau is.... SADDAM!

Chris O'Donnell:
In an amazing display of Iraqi technological prowess, you can't see a single string on this amazing Saddam puppet.

Why can't we all just get along?

Mark Mills:
Saddam demands the death of the camera man who is allowing his image to go out without reminding him to remove his glasses. President Bush's hairstylist has no comment at this time.

Unlike Ozzy, Saddam was able to calm down after a while and curse coherently.

The military's Psy-Ops campaign claims another victory as the "Old Navy's Old Chick's Glasses" fashion gambit pays off in spades.

Will Vehrs:
"I would like to thank Republican Guard Sargeant Mustafa for setting up this press conference on such short notice in my bathroom."

"It was just a flesh wound!"

Lenscrafters. Glasses in an hour - no matter what.

"Beat Back the Infidel," Take 5.

"Good job, Saddam. That's a wrap."

Daryl Parker:
"So go ahead, put us down, one of these days we'll turn it around!"

"Infidels! We will rain fire on your cities with our biological pocket protectors..."

Is Saddam Hussein really Don Knotts? Our lines are open...

Johnathan Anberg:
"People of Iraq, it is my sad duty to announce the passing of my beloved pet goldfish, Spike. It was the American attack that brought this sorrowful event to pass, but do not worry, the Mother of All Battles will avenge his death. He will be missed, but those who knew him best know that Spike has gone to a better place. Good night, and Allah bless."

In a break from tradition, Saddam Hussein delivers his Christmas time program "Uncle Soddy Reads a Christmas Story" months early.

"All through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse..."

Will the real Saddam Hussein please stand up, please stand up?

"And all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again."

Bret Ryckmen:
The Iraqi people were astounded when it was revealed that their "fearless leader" was none other than Mr. Magoo.

Tony Hooker
Is it Live or Memorex?

Jeffrey Harris:
Life for an out-of-work Muppet can be rough, but who'd have thought Fozz E. Bear would stoop this low?

Daryl Parker:
[Scroll up From Here]

"I found this book written by Gideon in the drawer of my hotel room last night. Listen to this. In the last part, Revelation fifteen-two, Gideon writes: 'AND I saw as it were a sea of glass mingled with fire: and them that had gotten the victory over the beast, and over his mark, and over the number of his name, stand on the sea of glass, having the harps of God.'"

PSJen:
"By Allah, being a body double is not easy, but just wait till I get to 'Frisco and take the J line to the Castro!! WHOO HOO!!"

aK:
"Da, Da, Da, Da, Dat , Da, Da.
Da, Da, Da, Da, Dat, Da.
Its time to get things started on the Muppet Show Tonight!"

Charles Austin:
Saddam prepares to take his Dame Edna act on the road. (With a hat tip to Andrew Sullivan)

Shock and awwwwww.

"Oh sh*t, I can't stop shaking. Can we shoot this over again?"

"Yes, I am everything you say I am. But how do you explain Michael Moore?"

"I'm not wearing any pants. Film at 11."

"I did not have sex with that goat."

"Mommy...?"

Saddam's like the last Baldwin in South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut jumping up and down saying, "Ha ha, you missed me."

If it looks like a dead man, and talks like a dead man, then ...

Yet another Caption Contest photo of a politician speaking to an empty room!

"Wanted in fourteen provinces of Iraq, the condemned is found guilty of the crimes of murder, armed robbery of citizens, state banks and post offices, the theft of sacred objects, arson in a state prison, perjury, bigamy, deserting his wife and children, inciting prostitution, kidnapping, extortion, receiving stolen goods, selling stolen goods, passing counterfeit money, and contrary to the laws of this state, the condemned is found guilty of using marked cards in poker. Therefore, according to the powers vested in us, we sentence the accused here before us, Saddam Hussein, (known as 'the rat'), or any other aliases he might go by to hang by the neck until dead. May god have mercy on his soul. Proceed!"

"My good friend Dan Rather gave me these tips on how to be a more effective news presenter. What do you think?"

The mutha of all muthaf******. (If this is too crude, feel free to ignore it)

"Bring me a human sheild! That fat f*** Michael Moore would do great. Oh, but cut out his tongue first. Even I find him insufferable."

"As with real estate, the three most important elements of targeting are location, location, location."

"Thank you for auditioning for the BBC World Service Mr. Hussein. Your philosophical approach and emotive language is spot on for what we are looking for in a newsreader, but your delivery is still a bit, well, lacking in confidence. We'll be in touch. Thank you again for coming in."

"Immediately after this announcement, Iraqi Television proudly celebrates the 75th Oscars, the mother of all Oscar-winnig pictures Chicago, and all the brave dissidents at the Oscars fighting the colonial imperialists by presenting an Arabic remake of the Bob Fosse classic, Al (Dat) Jazeera."

"What the hell is going on? I have put empty $10 tents with camels sticking their butts out all over Iraq, and 40 missiles come into my bunker! Uday! Are you abusing the camels in public again?"

"Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead."

Kurt Preston:
"This just in, Generalissimo Francisco Franco is actually alive and on my command staff." [Ed. - Conflicting reports from the Iraqis! Who'd have thought it possible?!?]

The 20 huge columns of smoke, visible on the southern edge of Baghdad, were set by our freedom fighters to confuse attacking planes and mask targets.

"The international gang of criminals are liars! No missiles have hit the city, they were all intercepted seconds before impact by brave suicide martyrs stationed in each government building!"

"'Twas a mere fleshwound!"

Saddam Hussein officially transfers ownership rights of Iraqi blood and souls to Lord Arioch in exchange for GPS jamming equipment.

"Now just relax, and count backward from ten. ... You are becoming more relaxed.... Nine.... Your eyelids are getting heavier.... Eight.... You want to vote for me.... Seven.... Hey! No peeking!"

Presidential candidate Sen. John Kerry (D-Supercuts) conducts the campaign orchestra as it plays his campaign theme song, "Anticipation."

"No, this is not a Catholic church. Those candle fixtures behind me are menorahs. Honest!"

"...and after my last haircut the clippings on the floor were so-o-o deep..."
Chorus from the audience: "How deep were they?"
"This deep."

Will Vehrs:
Some have called me "aloof." I will not dignify that charge with a response.

Please, please, hold your applause until I have finished pandering to everyone.

And, as I was crawling through the jungles of VIETNAM... yes, I am a VIETNAM veteran and no matter what one thinks of the economy or foreign policy, this race should be about who served in VIETNAM....

Go ahead, lather the ketchup on your entrée, it all helps my campaign....

I am so pleased to be here at the New Hampshire Polish-American Festival because of a discovery I just made while researching my family tree.....

I reject the clarion call of those who, because of my stature and gravitas, urge me to criticize Reverend Al Sharpton. Reverend Sharpton, you da man!

Only I possess the experience, judgment, and craggy good looks to effectively straddle critical presidential issues.

Daryl Parker:
"It's OK, where I had a tumor removed, I gained a Kennedy!"

"Didn't you just love how Bela Lugosi used to play the organ? Ya know da da da daaaaaaa...."

Mike Van Winkle:
Presidential hopeful John Kerry (D-Mass.) demonstrates his new strategy for disarming Saddam Hussein, which he calls 'Jedi Mind Trick Diplomacy.'

Mark Mills:
"Everybody calm down... this is my real hair."

Andy K.:
"The room is now cleea...."

Juan Gato:
"And now, I shall rotate my arms at the shoulders. Once my hands are above my head, I shall commence a lifting action as if I were 'raising' a roof. At that point, my connection with the minority community shall be complete. Take that, Sharpton."

CS&W:
"As you can see, there's nothing up my sleeves. Now watch and be amazed as I attempt to make a coherent presidential candidacy appear!"

Johnathan Anberg:
"OK, this is it. We've done the genetic tests, and my heritage is as follows: Irish, Jewish...."

Uh, Mr. Kerry, the old white man doing rap isn't "cool" anymore....

Bret Ryckmen:
"Ok, now. All the surrendering Iraqis get into line, shortest to tallest."

Mary Goldsmith
"Shut up ladies and gentlemen, the old fart is gonna make a speech...."

I feel God's prescence underneath my hands.

Charles Austin:
"I'm melti-i-i-n-n-n-g-g-g...!"

"Everybody sing with me, 'All we are saying, is give peace a...' - what, we've already won?!?"

Senator Kerry had been able to ignore the ravings of Howard Dean all evening. But when Howard took off his clothes and stood on his head shouting, "Zeeble bop fickle fackle bush! Bush! BUSH!", not even the usually unflappable Senator Kerry could stay on message and avoid staring.

"And the devil will pull you under by the sharp u-turns of your checkered past, sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down you're rockin' the boat."

"How's my hair?"

Kerry doesn't surf!

"Hava Nagilah!"

"Is this ceiling high enough not to muss up my hair?"

John Kerry was captured in this picture half-way into his impression of a French soldier going to war.

Of course he's a great magician. Since he's an empty suit, he's got a headstart when he says, "nothing up my sleeve...."

"Populist rhetoric notwithstanding, I want to be the richest man to ever inhabit the White House. Well, technically, the husband of the richest first lady, but you know know what I mean."

"Trust me folks, no one is more amazed than me that I'm taken seriously."

Politicians speaking to apparently empty rooms seems to be a recurring motif for the Caption Contest.

"Yes, Senator Daschle is this tall."

"As President, I will fix the economy by turning the knobs of the economic engine like this."

I'm gonna save the best comments on Kerry for the picture of him riding in a tank like his old boss.

"Oh crap! It's that Dodd guy with a camera."

The pace of the heckling accelerated. Moments later a bucket of pigs blood was dumped on him from above and Kerry snapped, using his telekinetic powers to kill everyone and set the ballroom ablaze.

"Message: I care."

Bruce Henderson:
"Well, it is simply part of the necessary daily care of the fine hairpiece that you carefully smooth the flyaway hair down when you put it to sleep on the stand for the night... like so."

"The cornerstone of the Democratic party platform should address our energy concerns, so all of my news conferences and any debates in which I take part must be conducted by candlelight.... Together, we can solve our problems!!"

"Thank you, I didn't think anyone would notice the matching tie and cuff color... nothing splashy, but different.... Just as the theme of my campaign for the next year.

Webcam Suzy misunderstands a request from one of her male cyberfriends.

Brenda wasn't satisfied with a plain old nose ring. No-o-o-o-o-o, she had to go to extremes, knowing full well the other members of her sorority would be too chicken to try to top her.

Another nasosexual comes out of the closet by appearing in ads promoting Massengill's newest product.

"New, from the makers of Liquid Plum'r, it's the fastest-working decongestant ever!"

There's a new drug fad making the rave rounds: liquid cocaine, also known as "watersnorts."

The awful truth about how Gatorade gets that unique color.

PSJen:
You told me I had to snort it big boy. but you never mentioned the trail of snot.

Hines:
How blondes learn to swallow.

Jim Flynn:
"Muriel prefers her nose-tinis shaken and not stirred."

Peter Leonardy:
Rocky Mountain High Colonic

Julie C:
Another cosmetic 'pipe' dream....

Lisa tests a new morning-after product.

"So your parents won't know. Isn't that the security you desire?"

Kurt Preston
This Rolling Stone cover picture shows the techinque Chrissie Hynde uses to give nose jobs to Arab dictators without leaving tell-tale evidence on her blouse.

A French wine critic demonstrates the proper way to sample American wines.

FrozenTundra
"Kids, this was your mom back in college, before she got help with her drinking problem."

"Be careful! You don't know where that thing has been!"

"What do you mean it's not supposed to go in here?"

Drew B.:
If you think that's neat, you should see what she can do with a garden hose.

Dan Dickinson:
How do Blondes smoke a water pipe?

"We're going to drill the pants off those basins. Then we are going to have to go North."

Caitlyn Vehrs, Age 8:
This would not be allowed at my school.

Will Vehrs, somewhat older:
Somehow, the "Wet Nose Contest" was not catching on at Florida Spring Break resorts.

Ask your doctor about Sin-O-rinse. Do not take Sin-O-Rinse if you are constipated. Side effects may include choking, coughing, and drowning.

Jennifer demonstrates the product she believes would help Michael Jackson.

According to Tom Ridge, use the "Homeland Piper" to clear nasal passages if chemical agents penetrate your duct taped plastic sheeting.

Today's teens are finding that, indeed, kicks just keep getting harder to find.

Phoebe is always well-prepared for peace marches.

Put down the creek pipe!

Charles and Will lost their appetite after this public display of nasal hygiene. Luckily, they had Ensure™ at home in the fridge. [Ed. - Bonus points for Good Sportsmanship In The Face Of Unconscionable Insult]

Bob Kutzenberger:
Imma Gross, lead singer for Nick Nostril's Nose Picking Nine, warms up her instrument.

Jeffrey Harris:
"I've gone out and gotten a snoot-full before, but I guess you gotta be blonde to try it this way"

Chris O'Donnell:
The nasal douche - when you absolutely, positively, have to smell.

"This is your nose... this is your nose on drugs. Understand?"

Daryl Parker:
The CIA unveils new brain washing technique...

Mike Van Winkle:
New Office of National Drug Control Policy ad campaign: "According to a recent study, 100% of drowning victims had taken water in through the nose. Water... it's more harmful than we all thought."

Eric Bramblett:
"It's better than washing your mouth out with soap: No yucky aftertaste!"

Kevin Shaum:
Jane loved playing the nostril horn, except when it came time to clear the spit valve.

"In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, thrust the oxygen injector firmly into your right nostril, like this ... nggh ... breathe dorbally, and do dot be alarbed if there is fluid discharge ..."

Charles Austin:
If you take enough drugs, any orifice will do for just about anything.

And somebody's going to stick that pipe in their mouth later. Ewwwwwwwww.

It's a good thing she was already married before this picture came out.

"Uh, well, no. Thanks for the demo, but I'll just wait for nature to run its course on my sinus infection."

"And this is supposed to make me want to buy what again?"

Another poor, unfortunate victim who thinks "suck" and "blow" are synonymous.

Nice hair.

"Ah, that fetching, come-hither-while-I-snort-water-through-my-sinuses-from-a-neti-pot-look always makes my knees buckle."

Fran Poretto:
"Help Fight Rare Species Extinction! Create Nurturing Environments For Mating Pairs!"

James Flynn:
Reindeer cloning gone bad.

Mary Goldsmith:
Merry Christmas from Depend's board of directors.

Still haven't accepted the fact that Santa doesn't exist

Dan Dickinson
Lily Tomlin and James Taylor reprise "The Antler Dance".

Bret Ryckmen:
Here we see the Harris family in their natural habitat.

Bret's 21^st birthday party got out of hand really fast.

Vincent Ferrari :
Grandma and Grandpa Kettle were arrested yesterday at their home in Winnipeg Manitoba Canada. As it turns out, Grandma Jones was not run over by a reindeer, as originally reported, but by Grandma and Grandpa Kettle who were drunk on eggnog.

Charles Austin:
The terrorists have won.

"I saw Bill Clinton use this pose on the cover of Esquire. Do you like it?"

Thanks for the antlers kids. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go make some minor adjustments to the will.

They'd been drinkin' too much egg nog,
And we'd begged them not to go.
But they'd left their medication,
So they stumbled out the door into the snow.
When we found them 'lection morning,
At the scene of the attack.
There were antlers on their foreheads,
And incriminating chads upon their backs.
My Grandparents got tricked by populism,
To vote a straight ticket DNC,
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for my Grandparents, they believe.

Caitlyn Vehrs:
Gee, I never knew old people could be so childish.

Will Vehrs:
A defiant Fred and Myrna Gibbons remain in material breach of Woodmont Community Association Resolution 1441 demanding that they take down their outdoor Christmas lights by February 1.

Clara Twombly, an AARP agent, has admitted she was sent to the Fairmont Christmas Party in an effort to "sweet talk" long-time holdout Thurlow Dunning into joining the organization. She denies accusations that she accompanied him to the laundry room where his half-nude body was later found, bent over a dryer.

The Cockerhams have finally come to terms with their mistakes on the Palm Beach "butterfly" ballot.

Eunice and Ralph Harrover, shown in happier times. Ralph Harrover has not been seen since a security guard checked his backstage pass at an Anna Nicole Smith Show taping.

Al Sharpton supporters Beatrice and Henry Tignor will be hosting the dynamic preacher in their home during the Iowa caucuses.

Residents of Mill Dew Manor celebrate the lifting of the Code Orange terror alert.

By using Depends, the Holsworths expect their sit-in protest for more cable channels in the TV room to finally be taken seriously.

The effect of the Kathie Lee Gifford Christmas special tends to linger.

Julie C:
Viagra? Who needs that?!

What a marriage we have -- she rings my bells and I light her bulbs!

"Christmas sex is the best!" says Gramps.

The reason we're all glad Paul Anka's "She's Having My Baby" never made it to video.

Kurt Preston
In a rare interview, the organizers of the Congressional Progressive Caucus discuss an upcoming scathing protest of drilling rights in the Alaskan Wildlife Refuge by launching a "No Moose for Oil" campaign.

Rags:
Ethel and Leo Bassman have been frozen in time since December 2002, when they learned of winning the "Caption Contest." Their daughter Wanda says they refuse to move. They keep waiting for C.D. Harris and his prize patrol to show up.

John Burgess:
Yes! Viagra for Women™ works just as well as for men!

Chaos Overlord:
At first, Jane regretted stuffing her parents, but quickly realized what great Christmas decorations they were.

Christine:
Two reasons not to move to Florida...

John Anberg:
It wasn't pretty, but Santa finally finds replacements for Donner and Blitzen.

Although seccusseful at first, the new Viagra 2.0 formula has unpleasant side-effects.

Kevin McGehee
Why we were at Orange Alert for the last three weeks.

"Next up on Fox News Live, a report on a Nashville couple who were defrauded by a company selling phony generic Rogaine."

"This meeting of the North Pole, Alaska Moose Lodge will now come to order."

Rejected Star Trek aliens #4,817 and 4,818.

The other retired reindeer thought there was something not quite right about Prancer and Vixen.

"Come on, Grandma, if we want this to be shown on Funniest Home Videos, you have to kick Grandpa in the crotch."

rah:
Just like Waiting for Godot, but with antlers.