Kevin McGehee
"That damn Michael Jackson gets all the publicity! Well, let's see him top this!"

Dan Dickinson:
Crunch all you want. We'll make more!"

Ron C:
"Yeah... just bring that mustard over ear... I mean here."

"What do you mean, you said DaDoo? I thought you said Tattoo!"

"Emeril say dat with a little ginger and da mama-laid and da soy sauce,it fries up real good!"

"I don't care what Steven Hawkins said. His black ho theory is wrong!"

"Is that your diaper, or was that me?"

"I know you not telling me that Sam I Am really ate the green eggs and ham."

"...and then that's when he smashed his ear into my mouth for the second time, and I had to take a nibble again so he would stop hitting me."

"So what if you can tie your shoe laces? Some day I'll learn!"

MT + DK x [ HO x ? ] & IQ <70 = ?

Laurence Simon
"Oh, just get it over with. Take me back to the hotel and drop me over the railing."

Mary Goldsmith:
Those gold teeth makes anyone want to turn away.

Robin and Mike's love child....

Jason Trommetter:
"This looks like a nice appetizer..."

JulieC:
Holding and Kissing Babies?! Yet another Democratic candidate shows he has an appetite for the Presidency.

Ooohh, Lunch!

Chris O'Donnell:
"Mmm, tastes like chicken."

Daryl Parker:
Procreation for nourishment??

Entre: Tyson Style

I've heard of a fondness for children, but this is ridiculous....

Mark Mills:
Don't worry baby, I may be crazy but I'm not going to dangle you out a window... that is the other Mad Mike."

"...and I named him 'Veal!'"

Zander
"That's it now......just a little bit more over to the side my child.....I loves me some sweet baby neck!"

Kurt Preston
Next week on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Buffy and crew must take down Mike Tyson after he travels back in time for a rematch with Evander Holyfield.

Struggling with his new Rap Music career, Mike Tyson misunderstands advice from Ozzy Osbourne and Alice Cooper on jazzing up his stage act.

"Hey! Look how white my teeth and eyeballs are!"

"Little, yellow, different"

"You want me to stick this where?"

Kevin McGehee
"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Crunchy."

"I can see myself!"

"And after I stuff this up Bret's ass for those racist captions he submitted last week, I'm gonna smile at him like this."

Dan Dickinson:
"Let's talk about your car. It's screaming, 'Wash me, please!' Now if you're Mister Common Sense, you won't believe me when I tell you I have this new CD that will clean your car while you're driving it home to work! Well. You can believe me this time, George. It's not like those Austrian self-sharpening razors. No overheating like with the tropical fish..."

Will Vehrs
"'The Man' can patronize me all he wants, long as he promotes my platinum CD!"

Julie C:
You mean I chew on this and I get a couple of classy gold teeth?!

You expect me to eat off a plate this itty-bitty?!

Charles Austin:
Recently paroled Suge Knight, the RIAA's new Chief of Digital Anti-Theft Enforcement, reacts negatively when handed a blank CD which he has been told is being used by rich white suburban kids to take money out of his pockets.

J Bowen:
"Finally, a condom for guys like me!"

Mary Goldsmith:
"Maybe if I stare long enough, this will turn into an average IQ politician...."

Chris O'Donnell:
The RIAA's latest anti piracy scheme. If we catch you copying - this man breaks your legs.

Daryl Parker:
"Let's see that little bitch Lars Ulrich take this copy away...!"

Mark Mills:
An entire "greatest hits" album of football team rap can strike fear into even the strongest men.

The FBI announced today that this is why we are at Orange alert.

Michael Naftolin
Shaquille O'Neal stars in My Black Giant, a straight-to-video production coming soon to discount bins near you."

Joey Blabaum
"C" is for cookie, that's good enough for me.

Ron C:
"You want me to put my What What in this to read it!!?"

"Doctor, are you sure this is what was causing my constipation?"

"Look like fire! Fire bad!"

"My complete DNA sequence is on this thing... what is DNA?"

"Wait! This is the Poo-Poo plater?"

"...and if you look real hard you can see the data!"

Mr. Chirac, you may be used to leaving the bathroom door open at home, but around here we close it, thank you.

Finally, Colin, you and I get some private time.

Close the door now! We have to discuss the "Precious".

President Bush is anxious to get behind closed doors with Powell. He deserves a big wet kiss for his UN presentation.

A picture paints a thousand words about the secretive Bush White House.

egrumps:
"All right, Laura, I'll get some more toilet paper. Just close the damn door, we have guests."

Charles Austin:
A slide lifted from Iraq's rebuttal to Secretary Powell's UN address where they demonstrate how Photoshop tricks can be used to make Colin Powell appear to be a foot shorter than George W. Bush.

I see they still haven't been able to find all the upskirt cameras Bill Clinton installed in the Oval Office.

"And remember, Colin, when you are speaking to the UN, don't forget to walk like an Egyptian. They seem to like that sort of thing. Here, let me show you how."

"Will somebody please tell Mrs. Clinton that she is no longer the co-president!"

The Oval Office for the Gifted.

Flags got hands!

John Moore:
"Bill.... You just can't come in here any more."

Will Vehrs
"I'm going to close off egrets to this office." [Ed. - this one almost won - but I was afraid Will would accuse me of patronizing him again. :-P ]

"And don't let Woodward put his ear up against the door, either."

George Bush stars as Nora in a dyslexic version of Ibsen's A Doll's House.

"Get Jimmy Carter in here to fix this damn door."

Bret Ryckmen:
"Jesus, will you guys quit trying to give me so many pretzels?"

"No more darkies!!"

"Read the sign. It clearly says one negro at a time." [Ed. - does anyone think these last two are funny?]

David Dunsmore:
"Phew ... don't nobody go in the bathroom for 'bout half an hour, forty-five minutes...!"

susanna:
Colin Powell told the President just in time for the country's security that Bret was about to invade the room.

Kevin McGehee
The reporters were impressed with the President's mastery of an obscure Kung Fu move -- until this photo appeared showing how he really did it.

"Close, sez me!"

"Hey, Daschle, c'mon in. Mind the door, though, it might slam shut in your face. (snicker!)"

"Well, let's go have lunch," said President Bush, most famous alumnus of Midvale School for the Gifted.

Bret Ryckmen's meeting with President Bush and Secretary Powell went pretty well, but after he left the room Bush remarked, "That boy musta been born in a barn or sump'n."

Dan Dickinson:
POTUS: "Bathroom's to the right, Dash-hole. Sorry 'bout the line. Shut the door, Ted! Prolly pissin' on the seat agin..."
SECSTATE: "Sounds like his briefcase."

"Chevy, I don't want no frickin' Candygram. Stupid Landshark gig."

Kurt Preston:
No, Bret. I am not going to autograph your copy of The Way Things Ought to Be. Now get out!

No, I am not going to arm wrestle you for Florida, Al. Now please get over it and just leave!

"No, Dodd! We will not put a "Dodd For President" link to Ipse Dixit on www.whitehouse.gov!"

Meanwhile, during a private victory celebration after successful prosecution of the Iraqi War ... "Colin! I thought I told you to tell the UN delegation to use the service entrance the next time they came asking for funding."

Daryl Parker:
"You better back up pal, lessin' you want a whuppin, too!"

Laurence Simon
"Mister President, the door says 'Pull.'"

MDHaines
"Damn it, Daschle! Keep the door closed until you're done - or at least use some air freshener!"

Remind me to get security fixed, Colin. This is the seventh time this year Al Gore has made it into the house. No, Al! You lost! Go Home!

Robert Baker:
"Did you say it was the French Ambassador?"

Ron C:
"There's extra TP under the sink, sorry about that, Mr.Daschle."

Bush: "I told you! Bill doesn't live here anymore! Now stay away!"
Powell: "How does Monica keep getting past the Secret Service?"

Feste:
"Use the Force, George, use the Force!"

"Mr. President, a song and dance is really not necessary."

Jamie McDonald:
To ensure that his U.N. speech would, in fact, come from the "new Powell," President Bush closes the door before opening a six pack of whupass.

Mark Mills:
Shut the door! Were you guys borned in a, uh, animal place, or what?

Once again, North Korea's sad and lonely ambassador is shut out the cool war meetings, despite all his country has done to get him noticed.

Having spotted his own shadow this year, Bush estimates the snowfall from the upcoming 6 weeks of nu-cu-lar winter.

Brent T:
"Damn! Everytime I shut the door it pops right back open."
"Maybe its the ghost of Lincoln, sir?"
"You're probably right, Colin..."

Tony Hooker:
Hey, Colin, watch this! I'm gonna slam the door on the Iraqi Ambassador's fingers.

zander:
"My fellow Americans..., I want to thank you for making this the largest turnout for my presidential campaign!"

Bret Ryckmen:
Today's Republicans With A Conscience symposium was oddly vacant.

"I did not have sexual releations..."

Chris O'Donnell:
"I hearby call to order this meeting of the Al Sharpton for President Committee."

Al Sharpton meets with a group of black Florida residents who were denied their right to vote in 2000.

To quiet criticism that that he is an Anti-Semite, Reverend Sharpton meets with his cast of Jewish supporters.

I have a dream that one day the invisible people of this world will no longer be judged by the transparency of their skin, but by the
content of their character.

Dan Dickinson:
Y'all don' hafa sittinna back no mo!" [Ed. - wrong! So very, very wrong!]

Jimmy Buffett plays the Steak & Ale on I-20 and Decatur Road, December, 1973.

Vieques Syndrome

Kurt Preston:
What Martin Luther King really meant by "I have a dream".

Daryl Parker:
The first annual meeting of the 'Brotherhood For Self-Castration' had a disappointing turnout.

Don King addresses a room full of his friends...

Laurence Simon
"I've always wanted to say this, but I've never had the courage... I'm Al
Sharpton, and I'm gay."

PunzDeLeon
Ya'll are probably wondering why I asked you to be here today...

Will Vehrs
"As my witnesses in the Tawana Brawley situation, I need to clarify a few things for you."

"I will be brief, as my office is on fire."

John Cole:
Enrollment was low in Al Sharpton's Introductory Ethics Course.

L Lins:
"I see y'all are wonderin' why I called this meeting....."

Mary Goldsmith:
Al finds a new crowd to preach to.

"Wow, it's easy to talk to this crowd and not get any negative comments from them."

Al makes a very big mistake by preaching on Super Bowl Sunday.

Every body decides to skip the speech and go to Ted Kennedy's house party....

If no one is here, I might as well talk to myself. Hell, no one will know about this one!

TPB, Esq.:
Mr. Sharpton surveys his reception at his speech before the Association of American Prosecutors....

Jim Flynn:
Mr. Sharpton addresses his current and former employers.

Kevin McGehee
"Take Tawana Brawley -- please!"

The crowd was still bigger than what Jesse Jackson draws these days.

"Let me just take this opportunity to say I agree with Trent Lott."

MTV chose not to air this video from "Al Sharpton Sings Your Favorite Cowboy Songs, LIVE!"

Sharpton: "My name is Al, and I'm running for president."
Other members of Presidential Candidates Anonymous: "Hi, Al!"

"...and the ho-o-o-o-o-o-ome of the-e-e-e-e-e bra-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ave! What have the Dixie Chicks got that I ain't got?"

Julie C:
Al Sharpton visits Maryland to discuss Democratic politics with Guy Cabot's friends.

Sharpton's failure to pack a toothbrush for this campaign trip resulted in a few empty front rows.

Apparently no one is being "suckered into making an emotional investment" in a Sharpton Presidency.

Hey, get outta here. I am not trespassing! I'm practicing... my speech!

Al says America doesn't see those who aren't white... apparently, Al (or his photographer) has the reverse problem

This is my suit.
If it was a gift,
Does that make it moot?
The Dems may give me the boot,
But this will still be my suit!

Jason Garrett:
Sharpton's worst nightmare.

Vincent Giannini:
First, allow me to apologize for the effects of my gastrointestinal distress.

Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Nelson Mandela for a few words on international affairs.

Let the record show that the resolution passed by the unanimous vote. America has spoken on the issue of reparations
for slavery.

Run, Jesse, Run!

My name is Al Sharpton, and I am an assaholic.

I am Mr. Joseph Abudulkarim Adisa a son to Minister of Works and Housing of the Federal of Nigeria. Recently, my father was probed, guilty and sentenced to five years imprisonment by the Federal Government, President Olusegun Obasanjo for some misappropriation while he was in office during the last Military regime of Gen. Abudusalam Abubakar. Before his ordeal I successfully get hold of a sum money in one of his duplexes. And since then I have being making arrangement of how to transfer this money which is ($25,500,000.00) Twenty Five, Million five hundred thousand United States dollars to a foreign account. Now, all my father's account is now under government claim except this one that I contacted my friend's uncle who was a Bank Manager to help me lodge the said amount in a bank account in his bank and fortunately for me he agreed to help me if only I can give him 10% of the whole amount. I agree with him on this basis and he has since being making all necessary arrangement to remit the amount to a foreign account which I will provide for him.

I am soliciting you to please help me for this is the only hope I have since my father have been jailed. I also have intention of coming to your country to reside with you immediately after the remittance of the money for my life is uncomfortable here anymore due to what has happened, because the government go to an extent of throwing us out of our house and locked up the house. Please help me I promise to give you 30% of the total amount. If you are interested in helping me please reach me with the Bank Information where I will lodge the money for this is what I urgently need now. Once I get these details, I shall contact the Bank Manager who will smoothly transfer this money into your account within 10 bank working days (He has done the same deal for my cousin once) from the date I receive your reply. Remember that I shall come over to your country to collect my own share WHICH I WILL INVEST IN A LUCRATIVE BUSINESS based on your advice immediately the money is been transferred. Your share for this transaction is 30% total sum, 5% for local and international expenses (incurred by you and me). Note, there is no risk involved at all. This strictly confidential. [Ed. ruefully shakes his head....]

Noel:
"What if I incited a riot and nobody came?"

Charles Austin:
"Ok, Jim. Hit the trap door switch... now!"

"First of all, I'd like to thank all the practicing members of the Ralph Ellison society for inviting me here today."

Al Sharpton preaching to the converted.

In the paper the next day, the New York Times reported that 84,000 had crowded the standing room only hall to hear Al Sharpton long-awaited apology to Steven A. Pagones.

"Tipper, come on up here. I want to practice my 2004 Democratic Convention Presidential nomination acceptance speech."

"Can you hear me now?"

"Is this mike on?"

"Any questions?"

In his underground bunker in the year 2007, President Al Sharpton prepares to give his State of the Union address to what remains of Congress after the latest nuclear blasts in Houston, Detroit, and Pittsburgh. President Sharpton found it necessary to rehearse his speech many times now to avoid breaking down as he did in his 2006 State of the Union address after the smallpox plague of 2005 had killed over 80,000,000 Americans. Occasionally, President Sharpton was troubled by nightmares about leaving Saddam Hussein and Kim Jong-Il in place, but lying awake in bed, he would turn to his copy of Milton's Paradise Lost for solace.

Hari Seldon's fourth and fifth appearances were entirely missed by the leaders of Terminus -- the Seldon Plan having been catastrophically thrown off course by the Mule. [Ed. - bonus point for Exceptional Geek Cred.]

Al Sharpton immediately discovered that even liberal Iowans took great exception to the idea of reparations, since their only memory of slavery was sending their sons off to die to save the Union and emancipate the enslaved.

Al Sharpton's own personal version of hell.

McDonalds has 99 cent Big Macs? Damn, how am I supposed to compete with that?

Every reporter in the room raced for the phone banks when Al Sharpton announced that he was running for President of the United States - as a Republican.

Al Sharpton tries to replicate the success John Ashcroft had addressing an empty room. [Ed. - I suppose this means I have to start awarding bonus points for allusions to Obscure Six Month-Old Captions every week?]

Well, I'd like to leave too, but some smartass put Super Glue on the sides of the podium."

Al Sharpton's $800 seminars at the Holiday Inn on "How to Make a $1,000,000 Through Multi-level Race-Baiting" was decidedly not very popular.

Al Sharpton pays his dues on the rubber chicken circuit.

"I'd like to thank all those who agree with me that more inspections are the way to disarm Saddam Hussein for coming tonight."

"I haven't faced a crowd this tough since my conviction on 15 counts of defaming Stevan A. Pagones in the Tawana Brawley case."

"Can somebody dim that light? I can't see the audience with it glaring in my eyes."

Al secretly thought to himself, "Just wait until attendance at my speeches is no longer optional."