...and if you squeeze her face like this her mouth looks like a Star Wars Tie Bomber!

In a narrow escape for all mankind, the Raelian's clone of Tammy Faye turns out to be non-viable.

The RIAA finally gets its way.

Dan Dickinson:
"Never mind that shit. A Google search of 'kewpie' reveals thousands of sites for Japanese mayonnaise. The horror..."

Bad Luck Streak In Whistling School [Sorry, Warren.]

Will Vehrs
Helping Democrats achieve just the right facial expression during the President's State of the Union address has turned into a lucrative business.

After finding Jesus, the blind rabbi ass-bump reader turned to reading other cheeks. [Ed. - Bonus points awarded for Best Oblique Reference to a Six-Month-Old caption.]

zem:
"I'm ready for my close up, Mr. DeMille ..."

Kurt Preston:
Lord Voldemort comes to fully understand the depth of his mistake in
choosing a Clinton White House intern as his host.

zander:
"Your mind to my mind...." [George W. Bush attempts to gain more support from the UN Security Council.]

Laurence Simon:
"Cloneaid didn't announce this one for the obvious reasons."

Bret Ryckmen:
The McDonald's fatty litigant tries alternatives to traditional weight loss.

"Does that make the Raider's beating feel better?" [Ed. - One of these days, Bret...!]

Dr. Jal:
A doctor at County General Hospital, Pittsburg, guides the head of the world's largest newborn, during a marathon 25 hour labor that left the mother in a coma.

Daryl Parker:
The Prosecution submits exhibit X in the obesity suit against McDonalds...

egrumps:
"Relax, you've had a prostate exam before."

Jim Flynn:
Stash Slombuski, the creator of designer bowling balls, gives the press a close-up look at his latest creation - "the Sophie."

Kevin McGehee
"...and this is how you would look with just the cheek implants. So, yes, you probably will need the lifting and tucking too."

"This week on 'Where Are They Now?', we take you to meet the Gerber Baby, 50 years later."

Weekly World News brings you this exclusive photo of the model from last week's photo, during subsequent emergency surgery to remove the cat.

"Are you sure I have to be naked for the mind meld, Mr. Spock?"

The photo is too closely cropped for you to see, but those are her own arms. Meet Glenda, the Amazing Flexible Woman!

"Who's woo widdle goobie face?"

Lisa Ailshie:
"Ooohhhhh! Noooooooo, Mr. Bill!"

Brent T.:
Night of the Living Lower Lip Snatchers

susanna:
Hillary Clinton's face therapist prepares her for the SotU speech.

The Lady Galadriel found it took more to get her face on as she entered her third millenium.

Charles Austin:
That has to be the most botched circumcision ever.

All fleshed up and no place to go.

"See if you can guess what I am now."

Do you ever wonder what Dodd crops off these pictures before using them? [Ed. - Nothing usually. But if I had on this one, you'd thank me, I'm sure.]

Vincent Giannini:
Metaphoric designs are all the rage at this year's Paris fashion exhibition.

Bruce Henderson:
What are you looking at? Can't you see she's married. [Ed. - She's just engaged, as far as I can see.]

Maybe Siamese, but definitely not Brazilian.

Birds of a feather.....or something like that.

Eat your heart out!

"It just loves it when you tickle... right... here."

"Well, you may recognize us. We played one of the Bond girls in Goldfinger."

Vicky Drachenberg:
"If it wasn't for my obvious cellulite problem, perhaps you'd notice my cute little pussy."

Charles Austin:
Kitty porn. Shame!

Hello Kitty!

PETA will be unhappy with this wearing of fur. Kind of like most of your readers, though for entirely different reasons.

Is that Cartman's cat?

That cat looks rather smug, doesn't he?

Kurt Preston:
Scared of the lights and unwilling to be photographed, Nermal finally responds to the smell of fish. [Ed. - This is just so very, very wrong!]

This is why it pays to be very specific when negotiating a good time at the Mustang Ranch.

Absolut Purrfection.

Previously unreleased alternate ending to the movie The Crying Game.

Jeffery Lafferty:
"For my next trick, I will pull a rabbit out of my ass."

Bret Ryckmen:
Nice navel ring.

It could use a wax.

Hey, look! Tom Daschle!

"Show me how many fingers you have."

Daryl Parker:
"You won't think I'm so cute if I get hold of that bloody rip-cord, lady!"

"You think I'd know better by now - this happened last time I went to a bachelor party...."

You know it's time to see a doctor when....

Well, it started out as a boil....

Mike Cakora:
A pussy in the hand is worth....

Kevin McGehee
...to which Johnny Carson replied, "Yeah, if you'll get that damn cat out of the way."

When she heard that Sheryl Crow was an anti-war kook, she got so upset she had kittens.

The most striking indication for electrolysis that I've ever seen.

Few people know that there was another, more disturbing side to Robert Mapplethorpe.

The Muslim community doesn't like this Li'l Kim picture either.

Oh no! Not another Alanis Morrisette video!

Ladies, if it's attracting cats, see your doctor now!

page:
"Hello. Would you like to pet my pussy?"

Diane Leibel:
Human surrogate mother gives birth to cloned kitten.

Calvin Klein's ad campaign for the SPCA resulted in a 500% increase in cat adoptions.

Fluffy wondered if anyone would look beyond the cheap pun, and see her for who she truly was.

Mary Goldsmith:
I guess that the cloning thing never really worked out.

Nice pussy, baby.

Dan Dickinson:
My Gramma has this photo done in framed needlepoint. It says, "If you want the best seat in the house, you'll have to move the cat."

John Hudock:
"Stop staring at my pussy!"

Mark Mills
Aren't spring fashions supposed be more conservative when the economy is down?

And for a bra we'll use these two titmice. I have no idea how we'll attach the donkey yet. [Ed. - I think he meant to say 'I have no idea how we'll attach the Democrat yet.']

For that axis of confidence, you'll be glad you brushed with Kous-Kous, too!

JulieC:
"Is that a cucumber in your turban or are you just happy to see me?"

It was an awkward moment when the DJ started playing the next slow song.

John Woodward:
"You've got a bit of food on your beard.... No other side... no higher.... Never mind, I'll get it!"

Let's just be thankful the robe is hiding their other hands.

P.T. Barnum already thought he had a good thing with Phil and Bill, Siamese twins joined at the lips. Then miracle of miracles, Bill sprouted an extra evil head.

Dan Dickinson:
Is it in his face?
[Oh no, that's just his charms!]
In his warm embrace?
[Oh no, that's just his arms!]
If you wanna know if he loves you so,
[Shoop, shoop, shoop, shoop, shoop, shoop, shoop!]
It's in his kiss.
That's where it is!

Larson:
"Is that camel dung I taste?"

Mary Goldsmith:
Slip me some tongue!

Peaceful relations happen between two feuding Middle Eastern countries.

I guess when you live in a country with really ugly women, you don't really have a choice.

"Stop it! You aren't in Prison!"

"Oh shit! I guess you aren't my wife!"

I guess after you meet Bill Clinton and Jack Kennedy, you are bound to do some really weird stuff with your friends.

John Venlet:
Come on, slip me a little tongue.

Kevin McGehee
"Ahmed, open your eyes. I don't think we're alone after all."

Now we know why some Muslim women wear burqas.

Now that Hitler has been outed, this photo of the Ayatollah Khomeini and an unidentified "partner" can now be released to the public.

"I don't think this is what the rabble have in mind when they demand a 'liberalization' of the regime."

"Your beard tickles!"

Adding to their embarrassment, their braces locked and it took several hours for an emergency orthodontist to separate them.

"Tariq and Abdullah, sittin' in a tree..."

The sordid consequence of a society in which men and women are not allowed to have sex with each other.

Weekly World News has this exclusive photo taken on the set of an Iranian television program based on NBC's "Will and Grace."

Mark Mills
"You just fucking watch, some idiot will see this picture and claim we're homophobes if we continue to pursue war with Iraq."

Fox's new reality show Muhammed Millionaire is off to a controversial start.

Due to minor translation problems EU Diplomats have been mistakenly worked out a successful Mid-East "Piece" agreement.

Vincent Giannini:
Shari’ah explicitly forbids both slipping the tongue and keeping open the eyes. It is Fiqh ruling, however, that requires at least one hand be out from under the robes.

Feels like Brillo. Tastes like lamb.

"Thanks for saving the last dance for me, Mohammad."

With surprising enthusiasm, some world leaders heed the advice to make love, not war.

Rashid and Abdul looked on in disbelief -- 197 seconds was a new record!

What’s that aftershave you’re wearing?! Hmm. HMMM!

Bret Ryckmen:
Kevin and Dodd congratulate each other after winning another argument against Bret. [Ed. - I don't know what he's talking about. I don't have a mustache.]

Invernez:
As the two passionately kissed each other in front of him, Sanje could only stare and drift back to his memories of his first camel love making.

After staging his own death to rid himself of Star Wars fans, Sir Alec Guinness lived the rest of his days as a flamboyantly gay Muslim in India.

Diane Leibel:
For the first time since the fall of the Shah, western journalists were allowed to photograph the back-room action at The Sword of Mohammed, Tehran's oldest gay bar.

Charles Austin:
Are you trying to imply something here Dodd? Not that there's anything wrong with that. [Ed. - who? me?!?]

"Farooq, I am your father."

"Room 472."

"Here's your gum back."

"Heaven, I'm in heaven!"

And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak,
And I seem to find the happiness I seek,
When we're out together dancing cheek to cheek.

Everybody Wang Chung tonight!

Well, it worked for Al and Tipper. [Ed. - It did?]

"If you open your mouth again this time I'll have you stoned to death."

"Get your other hand out where everyone can see it. Now!"

"You broke my heart, Fredo."

Diplomatic prag.

"Old Spice! Oh, you remembered mon cheri."

Throughout the room, their jealousy grew as a simple buss morphed into a sustained embrace and a kiss that lasted for 30 seconds. Each man in the room fondly remembered when they were the object of his desire and longed for the return of those simpler times.

"You use Evian skin cream, and sometimes your wear L'Air du Temps, but not today."

"We'll always have Paris. They can't take that away from us."

Shrinkage saves the Samurai.

Dan Dickinson:
Dead Heads. Whuddaya gonna do?

35th Reunion of the Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test Gray Panthers Polarbear Club.

"Poor Pingah!"

Mary Goldsmith:
"Christmas is over, guys!"

Daryl Parker:
"See, you over-exploited symbol of commercialism! I told you this would happen if they ignored the Kyoto Protocol!"

Kevin McGehee
Kamikaze Man stands over his arch-nemesis, Phony Santa Claus Man, who thrashes about vainly in an effort to avoid drowning in the treacherous two-foot surf of Tokyo Bay.

Kamikaze Man stands over his arch-nemesis, Phony Santa Claus Man, preparing to laugh loudly and long over Phony Santa Claus Man's inept attempt to incapacitate him with a below-the-belt karate chop.

Kamikaze Man stands over his arch-nemesis, Phony Santa Claus Man, as both wonder whether Lame Joke Blog Guy will ever come up with a caption for this picture that doesn't start with "Kamikaze Man stands over his arch-nemesis, Phony Santa Claus Man".

A scene from the upcoming new movie, "Free Santa."

Vincent Giannini:
Witnessing Marty’s struggle in the frigid surf, Hiroshi offers the assistance of “Tiny Samurai.”

Bret Ryckmen:
"Too... much... turkey...."

Daryl Parker:
"Tha wha happen, when you dohn deliver enuh Tamagochi, Santa-san!!"

Yabbadaubado:
Santa's got a whole new bag.

Nuts! I think I've been stung by a jellyfish!

Jim Flynn:
"Hiroshi Yamashita, sushi master, bags this year's Holiday Entree."

Susanna Cornett:
The real reason Santa is dead.

Mark Mills:
When they said "Off Broadway", they weren't kidding!

New Jersey's new state representatives prepare to take their oaths of office.

For the first time in a decade, the crab population goes up in the bay.

Charles Austin:
What's up with the sudden Caption Contest fascination with small people pointing towards the genitals of barely dressed wrestlers?

The Shriner's reenactment of the birth of Aphrodite seemed funny to them. But, of course, they had been drinking since 4:00 yesterday.

Wax on, wax off, Daniel-san. Again!

I've fallen and I can't get up. And none of these bastards will help me get up either.

"Ok, I'm lying in the water with my Santa hat on and my hand outstretched. Can I open my eyes now?"

Their annual holiday exertions over, Santa took the whole crew to Blackpool. It being January, the elves were not amused.

To resolve a hopeless impasse, the UN Security Council decides to settle the issue of invading North Korea with a last man standing contest in the Hudson river.

Santa's list, January 2: Yoshi - bad boy.

"Mmm. Lunch."

"The other, other white meat."

"Bum a smoke?"

"Mine's twice as big as yours."

Daryl Parker:
Billy's strategy of taunting "Is that the biggest you got?" made his teammates anxious...

Bruce Henderson:
The other contestants could hardly contain themselves as the judge made his choice for first in the Westminster sumo show.

While foot binding has been outlawed, sumo wrestlers still suffer from early childhood binding of another type, demonstrated.... yes, there, I think you can see it.....

At sumo boot camp, Franklin was reassured by his drill instructor that his weight problem would respond to repeated seaweed bowel cleansing, just as the others had.

"Oh yeah, like this is fair."

In the tradition of the Babe, Jimmy called, in advance, the hold that would subdue his seemingly invincible opponent.

Gary O'Brien:
Santa Claus and his elves on a well-deserved Christmas vacation to Hedonism III.

Susanna Cornett:
"How can he be so big and that be so little?"

Fledgling Democrats begin their training in ass-covering and wrestling with big problems. So far... not so good.

Mark Mills:
The final boss stage in "Mortal Kombat IV" is seriously impossible.

"But, Mom! I can't even nut him, there is no way I can take him down!"

"Man, the MTV Music Awards show gets weirder every year."

Trent Lott's third day in hell...

Charles Austin:
"Which of these things is not like the other?"

So that's what happened to William Perry.

"It was him, officer."

A smuggled still from the sumo wrestling scene of the live action South Park movie, with Chef, Stan, Kyle, and Kenny - just before Chef falls on him and kills him. Of, course, the big mystery is where is Cartman?

KaptKrude:
In Yokozuna's new performance play, Yokozuna (shown here in middle playing his role as America) gets ready to show Iraq (played by newcomer Yoshi) the consequences of not obeying his stage commands. Two members of the European Union (unidentified) try not to soil themselves as they look on. Afghanistan can be seen near Yokozuna's left foot.

Chris O'Donnell:
If he was smart like us, he'd cover his ass when he walks near the big guy.

Kevin McGehee
"Okay, I pick Huge Harry to be on my kickball team."

"He keeps calling me 'Mini-Me.'"

"Yes, Officer, this is the man that ate my dad's minivan."

"Don't you be givin' me no trash talk, Fatso, or I'm gonna whup your ass like you ain't never seen."

Jimmy and Alex look on in growing unease as Petey taunts the third-grader known only as "Godzilla."

At the New Year baby tryouts, little Stevie thinks he's spotted a ringer.

Vincent Giannini:
"Respectfully, I would like to call the judges’ attention to the grievous fouls this contestant committed on his two previous opponents."

Little Billy points out the obvious: DeWayne Suzuki's love for his job as the day-care center’s Greco-Sumo wrestling instructor is revealed through his enthusiastic demonstrations of the sport's purported Greek legacy. [Ed. - that's just wrong!]

Dan Dickinson:
"Sumo, Samurai, Jedi all have these same basics: 'Sanna Flow!', 'Paint Fence!', 'Poor Fingah!'"

Kevin Cotton:
"That's the man, he touched our bottoms."

JulieC:
"His pee-pee's as little as mine!"

SNL reprises the "Oops, I crapped my pants" skit....

"Where's the rest of his diaper!?"

"CYA" takes on a whole new meaning!