Casting call for the next Democrat 'Get-Out-The-Vote' rally. - Susanna Cornett.

Last minute DNC planning session before the Fall elections. - MDHaines.

A few more plane crashes and the clowns at the Democratic party will have a full ticket. - Mark Mills. [Ed. - Yes, Mark, you are indeed going to Hell for that one.]

"Gosh, mom, this ain't any worse than the clowning around at the Wellstone memorial!" - JulieC.

Terry McAuliffe's staff, pleased with their 2002 "geezer candidates," pose with prototypes for 2004. - Will Vehrs.

Young Terry and his friend Hillary had no idea how prophetic this photo would be 30 years ago.... - MDHaines.

Daschle and Gephardt pose with members of the NAACS (National Association for the Advancement of Colored Skeletons). - doc.

The Bulemia Telethon swings into its 17th hour with more Kiddie Klown Fun! - Mark Mills.

Supermodels of today - and tommorow. - Adam.

The governor ducked out of sight as his daughter and her supermodel friends posed in this photo-op with two of the children recently found at a circus by DCF. - Andrew Hagen.

John Wayne Gacy's children pose for their annual Halloween picture. - michele catalano.

Come, visit the new John Wayne Gacy Land! - Mark Mills.

"That's right, boys, we've found the promised land. New Jersey voters will keep us in office forever!" - MDHaines.

Skeletons make terrible babysitters, even if it is Halloween! - Rhonda.

The little-told story of how the children of Alive celebrated Halloween. - Andrew Hagen.

Halloween is far and away the most popular holiday at Playskool Medical College. - Will Vehrs.

Weekly World News reveals this exclusive childhood photo of the Myers children -- before Michael went in for all that weird Phantom of the Opera masquerade and the mass murder riff. And before his sister learned to scream. - Kevin McGehee. [Ed. - Mr. McGehee's clever spin of the proposed Halloween theme is duly noted.]

Yet one more reason not to "dose" the water when kids are bobbing for apples... - Rhonda.

"And remember, kids, new Flesh Eating (tm) Kool-Aid comes in a variety of flavors." - Joshua Schwartz.

Mates, we've got to think of the chirren before we do another line. - John Coupal.

"Oh stop. Mr. Carville! Do you really think anyone will believe that these are Republicans trying to brainwash us?" - MDHaines.

"OK, who left the door to the Enron boardroom open??" - Daryl Parker.

Raggedy Ann and Bozo Jr. pose with renowned comic Red Skeleton and three former Sopranos cast members. - Kevin McGehee.

This week at McDonalds, the Happy Meal Hannibal Lecter Playset, Collect all Four! - Joshua Schwartz.

Doogie Howser's graduation party. - Daryl Parker.

Clowning around with the Acid-Bath Rainbow Coalition. - Susanna Cornett.

Jesse Jackson threatens a protest over this "Rainbow Coalition Halloween" display. - Will Vehrs.

"Please, kid, you've gotta help me. I swear I could get back to my normal color, if someone would just pull this steel rod out of my butt." - Joshua Schwartz.

Crayola's newest product line draws mixed reviews. - Kevin McGehee.

"Ugh, this green skeleton just farted!" - JulieC.

"Gummi Stiffs[tm]!! We made out like bandits!" - Dan Dickinson.

"If you think this photo from the Clown Gamblers Anonymous brochure is obscure, then you should have seen the one with them rolling lumps of feces that they rejected." - Laurence Simon.

Today's ninjas are more familiar with their black and white look, but Violent J and Shaggy 2-Dope actually started their careers touring with the Grateful Dead. - J.M. McKenzie.

Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones is suprised that the US still wants them to tour, but Keith Richards thinks some clowns must be pulling their legs. - doc.

"Kid. you've got to be kidding me! You'd rather I untwist the balloon and turn it into a dog instead?" - Joshua Schwartz.

The first "photorealistic" screenshots from Killer Clowns vs. The Undead aren't exactly thrilling the gamers. - Mark Mills.

"I told you if i went to sleep the clowns would eat me!" - Tanya.

"Damn it, Cindy, when you told me you booked us for a birthday party, you didn't tell me it was a Donner Party!" - Joshua Schwartz.

"Just chillin with a couple of dudes with really big boners...." - Mary Goldsmith.

"Sheesh, Martha, growin' new skeletons already!?!" - Daryl Parker.

"If I were really gay, would I be touching this whatchamacallit?" - Bill Carlisle.

"Really! I'm not gay! See, watch this! I'm really enjoyin' this! Seriously, that was just a rumor!" - Michael Wade.

"Squeeze it all you want, they still know you're gay." - Doc.

"Some guys have all the luck...." - Kevin McGehee.

"Apparently, some guys really do have all the luck." - Laurence Simon.

"All she needed was a friend to lend a squeezing hand...." - Charles Austin.

"This one’s Maggie; the other one’s May. They keep me from being a lonely boob." - Susanna Cornett.

Forever young...... - Charlie Dillon.

Yes, I want your body and I think your sexy. C'mon baby can we go? - Charlie Dillon.

Every picture tells a story, don't it? - Charlie Dillon.

"Good morning, little schoolgirl!" - Charlie Dillon.

"Can I get a witness?" - Charlie Dillon.

"And if I squeeze 'er like this, she sings the intro to Maggie May!" - Michael Wade.

"Will you still need, will you still feed me, when I'm 64 (in 7 years)." - Charles Austin.

Twang, twang. "Hmmm, B flat." - Doug Morris.

"She thinks I'm Elton John." - Andrew Hagen.

"Can you introduce me to Ron Wood? Jeff Beck?" - Dan Dickinson.

He adopted Sinatra's singing style on his latest CD. Now, impish Rod Stewart demonstrates Sinatra's seduction technique. - Will Vehrs.

"I want to introduce you to the reason my hair still looks like this." - Kevin McGehee.

I guess Rod met his mate at the beauty parlor while getting his hair highlighted again. - Mary Goldsmith.

Live hard, die old, and leave a beautiful widow. - Charles Austin.

"Just trying to help that arthritis flare-up in my hand." - Susanna Cornett.

"Sure I still love 'em! I just can't remember why...." - MDHaines.

"No, really, this is my granddaughter!" - Kevin McGehee.

"Who's your daddy? No, seriously. Do you know who he is? I hope it's not me." - Bret Ryckmen.

Rod Stewart still giving the business... uh.. is still active in show business - MDHaines.

"I got her for my birthday. See, when I squeeze her like this, she sounds just like 'Tickle-Me Elmo'." - Kevin McGehee.

"It’s actually a clever mechanical device ­ you squeeze here and her mouth flies open." - Susanna Cornett.

Charla vamps it up for a photo with a Rod Stewart cardboard stand-in. - JulieC.

"Look at this Bill! If I turn the knob like this, the mouth opens wider!" - Rod Stewart showing Bill Clinton his new "Tickle Me Elmo" inflatable wife at a Democratic fundraiser. - Kurt Preston.

Just before the big game, Stewart (#69, tailback) shows us the "Clinton hand-off." - Sandy Skaggs.

Money - there is no substitute. - Charles Austin.

"This is what passes as foreplay to drunk, British has-beens. But hey, he's so rich I'll never run out of C-size batteries for Codzilla." - Bill Carlisle.

Ben Affleck's artfully delivered innuendo temporarily froze the alcohol-addled Stewart. Acting on instinct, the rock star grabbed his date's breasts to mark his territory. - Glen Johnstone.

"So! Are you glad to see me, or is that your hand on my breast?" - MDHaines.

"If she had any breasts, I'd be touching one right now." - Bill Carlisle.

"Hmm, must be a bit chilly tonight." - Doug Morris.

"I'm squeezing her breast with one hand. Just imagine what I'm doing with the other!" - JulieC.

Not to be outdone, Stewart responded to Charlie Sheen's challenge by squeezing the breasts of his date in front of the E! cameraman. - Glen Johnstone.

"Rod, the breast-grope-in-public is one thing, but get your finger out of my ass!" - Bill Carlisle.

The Rod is comforting, but bring on the Staff! - Stephen Skaggs.

"Back off with the rod, Rod!" - JulieC.

"Madam Tusaud's did a good job of copying Rachel - see, even feels like plastic!" - Daryl Parker.

Weekly World News has these shocking, exclusive photos of Rod Stewart and his Siamese twin sister before they were surgically separated. - Kevin McGehee.

As if I needed another reason to dislike Rod Stewart. - Charles Austin.

Rod Stewart, enjoying the inevitable Conga Line at a Hollywood party. - Will Vehrs.

"See this? This is mine. You friggin' jealous Yanks can't 'ave any! I'm gonna go home and shag her 'til bleedin' ears fly off and all you blokes can do is toss-off and pretend yer me! Now piss-off and will somebody please bring me a gin & tonic!?" - Bill Carlisle.

"I may be laughing now, but just wait 'til we get home, you bastard! I'm gonna Bobbitize your sorry ass for humiliating me in public!" - Bill Carlisle.

"Taffita, darling... taffita!" - Doug Morris.

"Small what? Faces? HAH!" - Dan Dickinson.

"Rod what? HAH!" - Dan Dickinson.

"I'd like to go there now with you [YEAH BAY-BEEE!!]. You can miss out school. I feel inclined to blow my mind, get hung up feed the duck with a bun!!!" - Dan Dickinson.

"Bitch, where's my hunny?" - Bret Ryckmen.

Pooh waited for his honey to finish her speech. - Lyn.

"He's bear... and I'm sari...." - Stephen Skaggs.

"At first I thought it was a Halloween prank. I mean, what kind of sicko would leave Pooh on my doorstep?" - Kevin McGehee.

"Uh, ma'am... please don't smack your kid for calling me an Indian." - Doug Morris.

As Honey droned on and on about the exploitation of the third world poor by heartless capitalists, Michael remembered why he agreed to take yet another day off work and wear this stupid costume one more time - it all comes from liking Honey too much. - Charles Austin.

"My opponent, Mr Bear, still denies that the Heffalump represents a threat to our national security. When will we learn to see clearly that they are dangerous? No blood for Hunny!" - Tanya.

Ravah describes in great detail to Judge Judy how her next-door neighbor, Winnie the Pooh, has been standing below her bedroom window at night yelling, "Gimme some hunny!!!" - Kevin McGehee.

"As Mr. Pooh's spokesperson, all I can tell you is that he denies all knowledge of the whereabouts of the honey pot, and is deeply distressed at the unwarranted suspicions which have directed at him." - Fritz Schranck.

"My people need additional nuclear armaments, his people need honey." - JulieC.

"Hi, I'm Winnie, and I'm an alcoholic." - Casey C..

"Hello, my name is Sherry and I am a alcoholic." - Mary Goldsmith.

"So you see, kids, if you don't behave, you'll be reincarnated as a bear." - Doug Morris.

"No more sweatshops? Sure sister. Why don't you join the Mascot Union and put on this toasty little number while I rant on and on and on..." - Charles Austin.

As a speaker at the recent 'No Mo' Sweatshops, Yo!' conference makes a point, an unidentified bear to her left appears to pooh-pooh her remarks. - Michael Naftolin.

"The type of uniform you see here is an example of what minority children must wear when grinding out a 18-hour day producing trinkets for capitalist consumption. I ask you, when will this humiliation end?" - Rob Henning.

"'No More Sweatshops,'" David thought to himself. "So why the hell am I in this friggin' poorly tailored, hot-as-hell suit?" - Mark Mills.

Toby wondered at the irony of standing in this suit, waiting to speak at a 'No Sweatshops' rally. - Susanna Cornett.

"This caste mark on my cheek identifies me as a pretentious, moralizing harpy." - Doug Morris.

Having given her "capitalist exploitation of the oppressed masses" speech 20 times in the last month, Kari was accustomed to hostile receptions. So she remained unfazed by the restive preschoolers who had begun chanting "We Want Pooh"! - Charles Austin.

The U.N.'s World Hunger Action Committee prepares to welcome the newly elected Chairman Pooh. - Mark Mills.

"Our critics say that affirmative action has gone too far... " - Tom Maguire.

As her husband looks on, Velama Hashripouti kicks off her campaign to end arranged marriages in Bangladesh. - David Sims.

"All the enslaved shorties in the hiz-ouse say 'Hey-ay'!" - Mark Mills.

"No, I didn't weave this garment myself. Why do you ask?" - Charles Austin.

As the official PoohPooher, Tom Daschle hoped his visual aide stand-in would transcend the language barrier at the rally. - Susanna Cornett.

The recent modernization of the racist text "Alice in Wonderland,' with its obvious allusions to the Euro-centric male power structure via the 'WHITE RABBIT,' was widely regarded as one of best oral presentations at UC Berkeley's "Multi-Cultural Awareness Week." Proponents have planned future revisions to 'Moby Dick,' with a downtrodden brown manatee tentatively cast as the lead. - John Cole.

"Final thing on the agenda tonight, could whoever owns this poor excuse for a mascot claim it - it has just done a 'Whoopsie' in the corner...." - Daryl Parker.

"I'm sorry. I have no idea where a man in a bear suit defecates." - Charles Austin.

In a classic case of cultures clashing, moments after Arundhati unknowingly flashed the gang sign for the Hundred Acre Wood Killaz, all hell broke loose. - Charles Austin.

Pooh couldn't help noticing that Jasmine had really let herself go since her marriage to Aladdin. - Tanya.

"You can imagine my horror, Your Honor, when, on our wedding night, I discovered that the fur has a zipper and comes off!" - Kevin McGehee.

"I told you I'd marry anybody but Osama, but this is going too far." - Dave Roberts.

The real reason Robert Torricelli dropped out of the NJ Senate race. - Charles Austin. [Ed. - The Editor admits that he has no idea what Charles is getting at on this one.]

Regardless of Indira's enthusiasm, it was clear that the bachelor auction was doomed from the beginning. - Daryl Parker.

Given time to contemplate his words while doing "time" in the corner, Winnie the Pooh still didn't think his queries about the "Jewels in the Crown", and "A Passage to India" being positions in the Kama Sutra were that risqu%eacute;. - Goaheaded.

"Seriously, there are a billion of us and not a damn one of us has ever imagined that they were Christopher Robin. How hard is that to understand?" - Mark Mills.

"An' then, Your Honor, as he was humpin' my leg, he started licking me on my cheek." - Doug Morris.

"No, ma'am. E.E. Milne is just my pen name." - Doug Morris.

"...today's the day the Teddy Bears have their en-ema!" - Laurence Simon.

James suddenly realized he was, at that moment, more Poohmbaa than Pooh. - Susanna Cornett.

"Yo! Homey Pooh and me, we don't see the need for no racial profiling, y'hear?" - JulieC.

Invisible in his rabbit camouflage, Ted Nugent stalks this young woman in error, having materially misunderstood the word "Indian." - Dan Dickinson.

Aware that she was supposed to speak publicly this week-end and knowing all too well where her foot would end up, Barbra Streisand's personal fashion designer worked furiously to create a shoe that was both saliva-resistant and stylish. - John Cole.

Rosie was furious at the dwarves when she discovered they hadn't completed their task.... - Daryl Parker.

David Racine's claim that Martha Stewart reneged on funding his online interior decorating service have been denied by both a receptionist and a mail clerk at Merrill Lynch. - Will Vehrs.

As ImClone prepares to close its headquarters office, Martha Stewart's motive for selling her stock becomes clearer. - Will Vehrs.

"MWA-HA-Ha! Finally! I have shrunk myself small enough to fit in Anna Nicole Smith's shoe!" - Tanya.

Behind the scenes at "The Anna Nicole Smith Show." - Holly Crisler.

Dining set delivered to Anna Nicole Smith residence - Robert Reich.

"Fix one speeding ticket for Ms. Gabor and you're stuck with a fucking shoe-chair for life...." - Mark Mills.

...This must be Tori Spelling's dressing room. - Ben Yarbrough.

Mike rushed to delete "stiletto heels" from his Marilyn Monroe query on the new Time-warp Material Search Engine. - Bruce Henderson.

Despite conceding, Janet Reno continues to pay a staffer to count Broward County votes. - Will Vehrs.

This week, the Ipse Dixit art gallery unveils their new Rupaul exhibit. - Mary Goldsmith.

The "Arnold Schwarzenegger for Governor" campaign headquarters begins to take shape. - Will Vehrs.

Last week, the new Reebok "Shaq Pumps" were unveiled in The Village. - Bret Ryckmen.

Paul van Groll appraises gifts from David Chang that were allegedly refused by Senator Robert Torricelli (D-NJ). - Will Vehrs.

Weekly World News reveals troubling evidence that the Jolly Green Giant has gone in for cross-dressing. - Kevin McGehee.

Props Designer Bob McPumpkin shows off a shoe and switchblade from the set of Attack of the Fifty Foot Ho. - Laurence Simon.

"Here we see the propmaster for the upcoming movie Attack of the 50 foot Transvestite. - Bret Ryckmen.

"I wonder how many pounds per square inch of pressure that heel would exert when worn by the 50 ft. woman?" - Charles Austin.

"Have anything in a Size 3,845EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?" - Kevin McGehee.

Enri knew that his genetic engineering work had been controversial, but he was confident that the slug-walrus-leopard fusion work would garner acclolades. - Bruce Henderson.

AP Newswire - Mike Brown Research Facility scientists achieve limited breakthrough while attempting to marry the concepts "Bengals", "Kick Major Ass", and "Cinderella Season" using the latest AI design technologies. - Kurt Preston.

Hiding out in his office's basement, phone engineer Jeff carries out his crazy experiments - JulieC.

Electrical engineering student Jason Paciorek puts the finishing touches on his "Seduction Seat." - Will Vehrs.

"Und zen we push zeez button here, zee Monster Shoe iz activated, cauzing mazzive amounts of deztruction, and I vill rulle de world!" - Holly Crisler.

Convinced he can attract Al-Qaeda operatives to his "cave," Jeff keeps working in his secret underground hideaway. - JulieC.

Roland checked his sensors carefully before going out to set his latest trap for Sasquatch. - Susanna Cornett.

"Get the superweapon plugged in. Call in the henchmen. Make sure the shoe is fully fueled for escape. And for god's sake Jenkins, lose the beard and the sweater; we've got evil to do!" - Mark Mills.

Politically-correct Jeff is trying to remove from the Talking Chair tape the phrase, "Ouch, get your fat arse off of me!" - JulieC.

Jim hated to leave what he called his "lost in the seventies" attic room and especially liked toying with "Jenny", his first PC. - Bruce Henderson.

Speedy wandered back into his mouse hole wondering what the world was coming to. - Charles Austin.

Dodd! Come put your shoes on. You're going to be late!" - Bret Ryckmen. [Ed. - The editor is delighted that Mr. Ryckmen thinks him a giant among men, but is less than thrilled with the other implications of this submission.]

Founder Trevor Bullock of bankrupt hotseats.com takes inventory and ponders what might have been. - Will Vehrs.

Knowing what five-inch spikes usually meant when his wife wore them, Tom was afraid to speculate on the meaning of this latest delivery. - Susanna Cornett.

Apple's new "Think Different/I Switched" campaign isn't going well. - Mark Mills.

In an abandoned office, Craig attempts to create his own "Unplugged" series for the SHOE network - JulieC.

Manny just knew he'd be a real hit at the heel-toe festival. - Susanna Cornett.

All it took was a letter from Carl McCall and Luke got the job at Heels 'n Seats. - Will Vehrs.

If you morons are going to keep posting entries in Sound Off, I'm going to keep writing your names down for Mr. Shoe to deal with! - Mark Mills. [Ed. - The editor takes no responsibility for this, or any other, submission.]

Rob's date waited patiently as the shoe fetishist did a last minute check before leaving work. - Susanna Cornett.

My God! E-bay is like heaven! You can get... anything! - Bruce Henderson.

That blue sleeveless pullover is just so tacky. - Charles Austin.

It's a serious challenge to rewire the chair for the host of Discovery Channel's "Shoes and You" - JulieC.

PETA: How many leopards had to die for your sick, f***ing Caption Contest? - Charles Austin.

"It is too a complete horse!" - Charles Austin. [Ed. - Think about it a second....]

"He fell for it! He's talking to the horse. Standby: We detonate it in 5 seconds!" - Brent Thurman.

"We'll get the bad Zionist pigs, won't we, Mr. Giggles?" - Bret Ryckmen.

"Sir, horses don't 'hop through the forest.'" - Mark Mills.

"Mmmmmm..., that's some prostate you've got there, Mr. Ed." - Bruce Henderson.

"Oh, I see Pokey's a boy horse." - Charles Austin.

"...and as a child, I was made to watch Shari Lewis..." - Ben Yarbrough.

"And the horse you rode in on, Mr. Sharon..." - IndigoInk.

"Up your butt with a Palestine nut." - doc.

"At least he isn't doing 'I'm a little teapot' anymore." - Mark Mills.

"Quick, Yoshi, run and get help - tell them they're coming to knock down the palace!" - Daryl Parker.

"I got those I'm only half a hollowed out felt horse on Yasser Arafat's finger blues." - Charles Austin.

"Living proof that Yasser Arafat truly does have his finger up his ass." - Kurt Preston.

"The Palestinians and Arabians have a bond that goes deeper than words can describe...." - Bruce Henderson.

"Wait, you found this where?" - Mark Mills.

"I didn't ride in on this horse, President Bush, but I will fuck it if you insist." - Laurence Simon.

"At the age of 73, Yasser Arafat finally loses his fucking mind." - Bret Ryckmen.

His compound surrounded and leveled by Israeli commandos, Arafat grudgingly agrees to transfer power to his finger puppet "Al Hamas bin Hezbollah". - Kurt Preston.

The UN delegates breathed a sigh of relief after being introduced to 'Little Yasa.' - Daryl Parker.

Arafat was a little confused by his wife's request to bring home a box of cotton ponies. - Chris O'Donnell.

Yasser von Schtuppid: Is it true how zey say zat you horses are... gifted?
Oh! It's twue! It's twue! - Charles Austin.

Look, he's playing with a Democrat. - Mary Goldsmith.

"Arafat speaks with "Captain Stinky Pants", his new right hand man." - Bret Ryckmen.

2002: In order to duck further claims from Bush that he is a terrorist, Arafat begins using "Mullah Ed" to issue proclamations.
2003: Palestinian Playhouse is the top-rated show in Washington, D.C. - Mark Mills.

Maybe Yasser's moonlighting as an equine suppository explains all the baby wipes.... - Charles Austin.

Sources close the Arafat expressed some concern about the toll the constant stress of the seige is having on their leader. - Bruce Henderson.

"Yasser Arafat has a frank discussion with a senior member of the PLO." - Bret Ryckmen.

"'And the horse I rode in on?' What in the name of Allah does that mean?" - Michael Naftolin.

Eventually, even Yasser Arafat's finger puppets turned their backs on him. - Charles Austin.