"Attention! Attention! This is Captain Queeg. Who the f**k took my g**damn marbles?!?!" - Michael Naftolin.

"Did anyone see my marbles around here?" - Dave Worley.

"bin Laden.... You can't get away... From hell's heart I stab at thee... for hate's sake... I spit my last breath at thee!" - Ben Yarbrough [with apologies to Khan from Star Trek II].

Powell is overcome with a sudden urge to go "Incredible Hulk" at a UN meeting. - JulieC.

"...and their hearts and minds will follow." - Jim Erickson.

"..and then their hearts and minds will follow..." - L Lins.

"...their hearts and minds will follow." - Dan Dickinson.

"Mr. Secretary-General the President yesterday asked me to convey to this body his sentiments. I now quote him, 'When you've got them by the balls their hearts and minds will surely follow. Now, Colin I want you to devise a plan should it turn out they've got no balls.'" - Stephen Meyer.

"Once you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow." - Lionel Mandrake.

"Once you got them by the short hairs, their hearts and oil will follow!" - Dave Worley.

"We've gotta grab Saddam by the balls and demand that he let U.N. inspectors back in," Sec. of State Colin Powell testified before the Senate Committee on Foreign Relations today. - Aiban Nha.

"Comfortable Saddam? Now cough." - Charles Austin.

"So I asked Mr Cheney to cough just as the President burst into the room. Next thing you know, we're off to the hospital again..." - Daryl Parker.

Here's a little ditty that's sweeping the country:
I've got Saddam's balls...in my hand,
I've got Saddam's balls...in my hand,
I've got Saddam's balls...in my hand,
I've got his nutsack in my hand! - Michael Naftolin.

"If the UN does not grasp Saddam by the balls and squeeze hard, the US will not hesitate to do so alone." - Charles Austin.

Last time we "cut off his head." This time... we're going for the balls. - JB.

"First we're gonna rip out their guts, then we're gonna use them to grease the treads of our tanks. If Kofi lets us that is." - Anonymous.

"If you don't approve the resolution, I have another hand available to use on you, Senator." - Charles Austin.

Secretary Powell discovered that Senate committee hearings went much more smoothly if he loudly and repeatedly crushed walnuts in his hand during his testimony. - Kevin McGehee.

"Seriously, all you have to do is 'grab and twist!'" - Ben Wilson.

"Talk to Mr. Hand Holding Your Testicles, because I'm not listening anymore." - Charles Austin.

From that look on his face, Secretary Powell must be demonstrating his grip on himself with his right hand. - Charles Austin.

At a press conference today Colin Powell demonstrated the size of his testicular fortitude.... - Dave Worley.

"I will neither confirm or deny that Rummy and I held hands over candles too prove who was toughest...." - Bruce Henderson.

Colin Powell testifies before the Health Subcommittee about his lifetime fight with "testicular-grabbing syndrome". - JulieC.

"And then the President grabbed my testicles like so and told me, 'You will support this war, Colin.'" - Bret Ryckmen.

"Has anyone ever grabbed your balls like this Senator? It doesn't feel real good." - John Venlet.

"Il tipo ha sfere come le gomme del trattore a cingoli."
[The guy has spheres like the tires on the crawler-track tractor!"] - Dan Dickinson.

"You see, if the President doesn't get your support on this, ummm......how do I say this?" - JulieC.

"Mr. President, in one month I'll be here again holding Saddam's still beating heart in my hands. This ain't your father's State Department." - Charles Austin.

"This is a complex and delicate situation, Mister Leahy, so I'd really like it if you'd wait until Senor Wences is finished with his nap before we try to explain the Administration's position on unilateral intervention." - Laurence Simon.

"And then Janet Reno grabbed my crotch like this!" - Tanya S.. [With a smooch to michele.]

Meeting with a garment workers union, an angry Powell gets graphic about the latest styles of men's briefs. - JulieC.

Secretary Powell just kept saying, "Arrrhh, matey", after hearing on All Things Considered that September 19th was "Pirate's Day." - Charles Austin.

"Let's try that applause line once more, Mr. President, and this time with feeling!" - Kevin McGehee.

"This manicure is just pathetic!" - Susanna Cornett.

"People were grabbing at steamed shrimp by the handfuls...." - JulieC.

"CARTHAGE MUST FALL!" - Ben Wilson.

Silently, Colin Powell curses his wife's purchase of the wrong size briefs. - JulieC.

Some people are too constipated for their own good. - Carol H..

"President Bush, just give me a piece of crap and I'll just throw it at those damn terrorists!" - Mary Goldsmith.

The hand of Borgus Weems takes control of Secretary Powell. - Charles Austin.

"Stella!" - Kevin McGehee.

"...and then Jocelyn Elders, Surgeon General at the time, spelled out plan B for prevention of unwanted pregnancies. Well, the Cabinet was a little taken aback...." - Bruce Henderson.

In addition to DUI charges, Nolte faces multiple felonies by LAPD's crack Fashion Police division. - Tony Hooker.

"I haven't felt this bad since that night I spent with Barbara Streisand." - Will Vehrs.

"Read my lips, I did not have sexual relations with that woman!" - JulieC.

"What makes you think I got any clean shirts in my place?" - Jack Cates (Nick Nolte), 48 Hours - Laurence Simon.

"Listen. We ain't partners. We ain't brothers and we ain't friends!" - Dan Dickinson.

Another 48 Hour Binge - Charles Austin.

How long will it take him to sober up? 48 hours. How long to get drunk again? 48 minutes. - Mark Mills.

Nick Nolte: Prince of Derides. - Susanna Cornett.

The Prince Of (Brought In By The) Tides - Charles Austin.

"Rich Man, Poor Man, it's all the same to me." - Will Vehrs.

An I'll Do Anything, I Love Trouble attitude finally finds Nick Nolte Down and Out in Beverly Hills, learning that when you plunge into your own Cape Fear, not everyone wins. - Susanna Cornett.

The Thin White Line - Charles Austin.

"Yeah, it's an Affliction, all right." - Will Vehrs.

This is just method acting as Nick gets ready for Affliction II. - Charles Austin.

Nick Nolte is Magnum O.D.. - Dan Dickinson.

Nick Nolte to star in edgy Hawaii Five-O Remake. - Will Vehrs.

"This shirt was white when I started drinking three days ago." - Charles Austin.

"See, when I wear this shirt it doesn't matter if I vomit on it." - The Strassburgs.

"I'm too sexy for this shirt, to sexy for this shirt, so sexy it hurts." - Mark Mills.

If you wear a shirt like this to jail, expect to get your head flushed down the toilet a few times. - Charles Austin.

"Whaddaya mean the Oscars are black tie?" - Shawn Botterill.

"Hey, Aqualung!" - Kevin McGehee.

"... his hair was perfect!" - Bruce Henderson.

Nick Nolte finds looking in his mirror a hair-raising experience. - Susanna Cornett.

"Jon Peters did my hair. Why do you ask?" - Will Vehrs.

"Heh, Will Vehrs told me he went on a drunk, too, after hair salon results like this." - JulieC.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. - Charles Austin.

Dreadlocks gone bad.... - Rags.

"Oooh! I'd hate to see the 'Before' picture!" - Bruce Henderson.

"Whatta ya mean? I did turn it down..." - Daryl Parker.

"Goddamn convertible!!" - Shawn Botterill.

"You should see the other guy!" - JulieC.

Excessive Botox in all injection areas, except central brow; patient satisfaction will be difficult to read. - Bruce Henderson.

"Sure he's been a jerk, but did they have to pluck his eyes out?" - Charles Austin.

"...so I said, 'prove it.'" - Charles Austin.

"Boys will be boys, your honor??" - JulieC.

"I am touching my goddam nose with my finger...! Aren't I?" - Bruce Henderson.

Get a bottle of rum and an Eskatrol and watch the same thing happen to you. - Dan Dickinson.

"Would you like fries with that?" - Charles Austin.

Nick Nolte after pulling an all-nighter posting on leftie blogs. - JulieC.

Excedrin Headache number 168. - Bruce Henderson.

"Dad?!?" - Shawn Botterill.

NEWSFLASH: This week, Anthropologists discovered the first known living Neanderthal Man - and he's GAY! - Dean Bartkiw.

"What, Me Worry?" - Chris O'Donnell.

"Okay, now blow!" - Kevin McGehee.

A Guilty Southern White Boy gets a scrubbing. - Will Vehrs.

Helen the Lunch Lady finally realized the truth: even statues of dead white men were repelled by her Marshmallow Corn Dog on a stick. - Thomas Beliech.

"I wouldn't touch this caption contest with a ten foot pole." - Charles Austin.

Capitol career options were limited after she told her personal Clinton story. - JulieC.

"Goddamn Clinton and his all night benders." - Bret Ryckmen.

"I'm leaving all the coke jokes for Vehrs." - Dan Dickinson.

"If only it were this easy to get Jenna Bush clean...." - Tanya.

Weekly World News exposes George Washington's scandalous cocaine habit. - Kevin McGehee.

"That was one magic loogie!" - Dan Dickinson.

Agnes was ecstatic: her Patriotic Steel Booger collection was almost complete. - Thomas Beliech.

"Bring your tired, your poor, your sick and your booger fiends...." - Daryl Parker.

George used to think it was embarrassing when Ben Franklin caught him with a dangling booger. - Kevin McGehee.

"I gave him the money. He acted real funny. He hocked up a boulder and it totalled my car!" - Dan Dickinson.

"Hurry up, Agnes! Lincoln's getting piles and you know how much of a pain those are to chisel off." - Laurence Simon.

"See, when I touch his right nostril he farts so hard that the coat nearly flies off his back." - Stuart Garland.

"And I thought coming inside to get away from the pigeons was sweet." - Charles Austin.

In tonight's Wolf Blitzer Reports: A member of TIPS illustrates the importance of the War on Terrorism as she seeks to undo the damage caused by Iraqi pigeons. - Thomas Beliech.

"If only the top of her head were flat...." - Mark Mills.

Through the haze of the ether delerium, George began to realize that he had been the victim of date rape. - Bruce Henderson.

"That's nice baby, but you gotta be this high to ride this ride." - Mark Mills.

Stimulating two errogenous zones at once can sometimes seem like a big chore, but your partner will feel like a king, or close to one. - Bruce Henderson.

Nose Jobs: History Cleaned Up for Modern Sensibilities. - Will Vehrs.

"Give me liberty or... a giant Q-tip up my right nostril!" - Charles Austin.

"What does a guy got to do to get his nose wiped around here? Blow up a building?" - Mark Mills. [Ed. - that's just wrong!]

Although many criticized her use of foreign objects, even detractors had to agree that Jane was ready to become a full inductee into Statue Fight Club. - Thomas Beliech.

Theresa's aversion to nude statues led the museum to arrange a transfer. - Will Vehrs.

"I think they misunderstood me when I told them down at the Employment Commission that I wanted an office job." - JulieC.

"Mary should be wearing a hard hat when working in hazardous areas".... OSHA Manual, p.68 - Bruce Henderson.

Photo taken momentarily before the formaldehyde took effect.... - Daryl Parker.

To the chuntering masses behind her, she hisses, "Hey, at least I'm not a lawyer." - JulieC. [Ed.- Hisssss....]

Former President Washington and his make up artist minutes before his press conference to announce that he's running for president in 2004. - Alan Kurth.

Ambrose, Kearns-Goodwin Approve Historical Whitewash. - Will Vehrs.

A few bloggers go over the top competing for the best "100 Things". - JulieC.

"I'm asking each employee to call ten friends, just when they're sitting down to dinner, and get them to sign up for our new 'Friends are Assets' calling plan." - Will Vehrs.

The next Southwest Airlines "Need to get away" commercial? - Charles Austin.

"I swear to God, our balls are this big." - Bret Ryckmen.

"Freeze! And keep those hands where I can see them!" - Tony Hooker.

"Raise 'em higher.... higher... now dance, boy!" - Laurence Simon.

"Are there any more questions from anyone without a gun?" - Charles Austin.

One step forward, ten steps back. - Kathy Kinsley.

Ten, ten mill, that's all I want in severance. - JulieC.

"To help our company move forward, I'm willing to sacrifice. I'm going to walk the talk. I'm cutting my salary in half - to ten million." - Will Vehrs.

"Yeah, that's right - ten mansions. In Florida. Suckers!" - Thomas Beliech.

And you may ask yourself how do I work this?
And you may ask yourself where is that large automobile?
And you may tell yourself this is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself this is not my beautiful wife!
Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the money's gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground
Same as is ever was...same as it ever was...same as it ever was... - Charles Austin.
[Special MTV flashback entry (for anyone who remembers)]

"Altogether now... the itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout". Another fine moment at a Worldcom Annual Meeting. - JulieC.

"Hey, guys, what do you want to hear first, the bad news or the very bad news?" - Robert Reich.

"We still have ten excellent accounting clerks who have not been indicted as yet." - Will Vehrs.

"We are moving forward by adopting the prevailing accounting practices of the 17^th Century." - Kevin McGehee.

"I may have the right to remain silent, but I got the microphone, boys!" - JulieC.

"Hey, I know what you're thinking: 'It's going to be hard to move forward if we're bankrupt and our CFO is in jail.' But hear me out...." - Will Vehrs.

"Look, you can pick on the company, you can pick on our stupid 'Moving Forward' slogan, but the next one of you who makes a crack about my hair is getting his ass kicked." - Tony Woodlief.

Tempers flared at the stockholders meeting as the company slogan was changed from 'Moving To Rio - We Love The Extradition Laws' - Daryl Parker.

"We are putting all of Worldcom's future revenue into a lock box." - Charles Austin.

A Worldcom spokesman explains to the assembled press how the company sold its slogan to the Democratic Party for US$20 million in stock options. - Kevin McGehee.

"Let me be clear on this... I did not have sexual relations with that woman..." - Vincent Ferrari.

"So I said to Bernie, 'Whoa there, big guy! Are you sure that loan is in the best interests of the stockholders?'" - Charles Austin.

Tune In Tokyo! - Shawn Botterill.

"Hey, it's not like we spent the money making Ishtar II." - Charles Austin.

Sidgmore tries the ol' Wayne's World wavy-line flashback routine: "Doodledoodledoodledoodle..." - Dan Dickinson.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to start off this shareholders meeting by apologizing for turning over control over the company to Eddie Murphy as part of a bet with Don Ameche." - TPB, Esq..

"Wax on, wax off." - Tony Woodlief.

"Missed it by that much." - Bret Ryckmen.

Walter smells his own fear when he sees the Sopranos in attendance. - JulieC.

"I am so thrilled to receive this 'Entrepreneur of the Millennium' award." - Dan Dickinson.

Local religious groups report a massive increase in attendance at area churches after a massive lightning bolt struck yesterday.... - Thomas Beliech.

Everybody thinks mime is soooo easy. - Charles Austin.

Detective Mulligan, posing as a questioner at the annual meeting, makes the dramatic arrest. - Will Vehrs.

"Whoa! Back up! Back up!" - Kevin McGehee.

"Sure, I'll walk backward while Worldcom moves forward." - JulieC.

"Unfortunately, of course, all the recent unpleasantness happened after we had the banners made." - Will Vehrs.

"You are getting very sleepy... You will obey my commands... Our stock is a bargain... You will buy our stock..." - Tony Woodlief.

"I don't get it, these hand gestures seem to work for Rumsfeld." - Charles Austin.