A giant-ass snake is gonna pop outta there. - Dan Dickinson.

Ming Ming was embarrassed that her binge and purge compulsion even intruded on the happiest of occasions. - Bruce Henderson.

"I wish they'd make me the logo for WWE, that would kick ass. The Rock isn't cooking no damn cake, I'll smell you that." - Mark Mills.

"I hate these Western imperialist traditions, imposing on my agrarian reform agenda." - Will Vehrs.

"Hey wait a minute. If I'm six, why are there only three candles? Damn American public schools!" - Kevin McGehee.

"That's one helluva Hoosier mint!" - Jeffrey Harris.

In an effort to make the visit more enjoyable, the San Diego Zoo has now installed urinal cakes in all of the animal's cages - James Rummel.

"I wish those crazy Falun Gong people would stop trying to convert me." - Will Vehrs.

"Dear God, thank you for this giant urinal cake I am now expected to eat for the commie, heathen press here. Thanks for putting me in China, making me cute, and ensuring I almost never get laid." - Mark Mills.

"Gee, thanks, PETA. You guys really care." - Will Vehrs.

"This white part tastes like crap!" - JulieC.

And just as she almost succumbed to temptation, Ming Ming recalled the advice of the old Chinese proverb, "Don't eat the green snow." - Bruce Henderson.

"A big-ass cake and all I can eat are the candles." - Will Vehrs.

"What! No gravy?!?" - Daryl Parker.

Bamboo has been shown to be an effective decay-preventive dentfrice that can be of significant value when used as directed in a conscientiously applied program of oral hygiene and regular professional care (your mileage may vary). - Dan Dickinson.

"Oh, yeah, a green stonehenge cake is going to help my libido. Slide me a Viagra, then we'll see who's birthday it is!" - Mark Mills.

"This better be bamboo frosting or I'll be royally pissed." - Will Vehrs.

Happy Birthday to me! - Rags.

Tian Tian refuses to smile, fearing everyone will see her green tongue. - JulieC.

"Heh heh heh! Stupid Yankee running dogs of capitalism will be so surprised when the missile that takes out their nation's capital turns out to have come from the Atlanta zoo!" - Kevin McGehee.

"I wonder if I'm gonna get laid tonight." - Dan Dickinson.

Worried that their star panda's sluggish movement was boring to visitors, the zookeepers attempted to precipitate a "sugar high." - Will Vehrs.

I can't figure out who's having a tougher time. Me trying to come up with a caption, or the panda trying to figure out what to do with this disgustingly grungy overturned three-legged table. - Charles Austin.

Undaunted by the failures of her intended, Ming MIng decided that the way to a male's heart is through his stomach. - Bruce Henderson.

"Three years of no mating. Bastards just had to remind me." - Will Vehrs.

Prissy Panda puts the final touches on her tribute to Martha Stewart - the You Too Can Eat Bamboo Cake, made from just what she had handy. - Susanna Cornett.

The veterinary service's earliest prototypes for zoological tampons were poorly received. - Bruce Henderson.

"Thank you, Yahoo! Personals!!!!" - Becky Owens, Craftsbury, Vermont - Will Vehrs.

No, New York is where I'd rather stay
I get allergic smelling hay
I just adore a Penthouse view
Darling, I love you,
but give me Park Avenue. - Mark Mills.

Penthouse article inside: 'Sheep or Goats?' - JulieC.

"Oh no! Here comes Professor Singer! Tell him I do not consent! Please don't let him take me!" - Brent Thurman.

The Ethicists starring Randy Cohen and Peter Singer. - Dan Dickinson.

Jane Russell: The Untold Story - Will Vehrs.

"And this one time, at band camp..." - Mark Mills.

Whaddaya think, Daisy? That guy says he used to be the President and there's no way anyone will find out...." - Daryl Parker.

Busted! Bill Clinton's girls corner him for an "intervention." - Dan Dickinson.

"And the first runner-up for Miss Sheepfarmers of New Mexico is...." - Bruce Henderson.

At the Kentucky State Fair, you can go to the Petting Zoo and the Heavy Petting Zoo.- Caleb Brown.

It was a simple change, but it was enough to set attendance records at the Iowa State Fair's dairy barn. - Will Vehrs.

Livestock judging is often followed by the Greased Slut competition at the Kentucky State Fair.- Caleb Brown.

Jennifer Lopez finds contentedness with intellectual soul mate: "We're just so happy!" - Daryl Parker.

"Psst. You like eating hay? When this shoot is over I'm going to need your help getting it out of my ass." - Mark Mills.

PETA's latest ad is beginning to push the limits of good taste. - Charles Austin.

"N-o-o-o-o! Please don't call PETA. I think I love her!" - Brent Thurman.

Many provisions in the recently passed Farm Bill have been criticized, but the "New England Goat Compact" has been hailed as a model program. - Will Vehrs.

Texas goes for its own "Got Milk" ads. - JulieC.

Got Milk? - Chris O'Donnell.

Miss Rowe, sponsor of the Future Farmers of America, was all too happy to pose for her group's fundraising calendar. - Will Vehrs.

"That's a fricking goat! I said 'I want a girl with a nice ass!'" - Michael Wade.

Shannon is a baaaaaaaaad girl, but everyone was shocked when she got Farmer MacDonald's goat.- Kevin McGehee.

"I kinda thought Hell would be, you know, less sexy and... goatier." - Mark Mills.

"Pookie" is affectionate and has a sweet disposition. Call the Society at 754-3210 for more information. - Will Vehrs. [Editor: Yes, but what if we're looking for a goat?]

"So tell me again, which one of these species represents the devil?" - Alyx Parker.

"You replaced Anna Nicole Smith? With a goat? Yeah, I can see that." - Mark Mills.

4 legs good, 2 legs baaad, 4 legs good, 2 legs baaad. - Chris O'Donnell.

The latest photo for "Horny Goat Weed" advertisements. - JulieC.

Jennifer's other credits also include Lilo and Bitch and Dog Hump Afternoon. - Will Vehrs.

An outtake of the Gretchen Does Green Acres movie of the month. - Susanna Cornett.

"You see, Hef. I told you that you don't need six blondes when one brunette will do." - Ann Christine.

A recent Mason-Dixon poll indicated that 62% of South Carolinians would consider dating outside their species. - Will Vehrs.

Self-Defense Digest: "Choak Holds and other Barnyard Maneuvers". - JulieC.

"If we were any cuter together, we'd be Muppets. Well, naked Muppets." - Mark Mills. [Editor: Aren't they all? Excepting the Count, of course.]

"Increasingly, brothels are catering to every kind of appetite...." - Michael Wade.

New York's finest. And two policemen. - Charles Austin.

"They're okay, but I'm an eye man myself." - Susan Hogan.

Another actress auditions for Paul Verhoeven's film version of Cats. - Tanya Stay.

"I heard the were doing Cats again...." - Rags.

"Well, let's see.... We could charge her with a traffic violation, say, obstructing headlights." - Will Vehrs.

"SHhhhh-Yeah, an' I'm Batman!" - Dan Dickinson.

"Tell me, Jimmy, you ever see a grown cat naked?" - Daryl Parker.

"Give her your coat, it's cold out here." - Charles Austin.

"This protest sure beats the hell out of those damn globalization freak shows." - Will Vehrs.

Both being allergic to cats, Tom and Jerry, now realized they should have taken their Allegra before the Viagra. - Susan Hogan.

"Love those Autumn Leaves...!" - Rags.

It's Bloomberg time! - Charles Austin.

"Well, boss, she looks a little cold." - Jody Kender.

"Patience my ass. I'm gonna grab that sign she's holding." - Kevin McGehee.

"Boy! I'd like to see her sitting on a Harley and holding a machine gun." - Brent Thurman.

Winkin', Blinkin' and Bod. - Charles Austin.

"Sooner, or later, that sign's going to have to come down. Luckily, I've got all day." - Will Vehrs.

"Keep an eye on her, Harry... who knows what she's hiding under that sign." - Susan Hogan.

Natural camouflage is surprisingly ineffective in the concrete jungle. - Charles Austin.

That does it, Bert - I quit! I'm joining Greenpeace. - Brent Thurman.

"I'm looking in her eyes, lookin' in her eyes. Bobby there, he ain't looking in her eyes...." - JulieC.

"Chuck, you seeing the spots I'm seeing?" - Will Vehrs.

Black underwear goes with everything... and nothing! - Charles Austin.

"Hank, I was thinking we ought to take her downtown for violating the leash laws..." - TPB, Esq..

Man's new best friend. - Charles Austin.

"I'd sure like to bring her into compliance." - Will Vehrs.

NYPD - Articulateness R Us. - Charles Austin.

To be introduced in the next Batman sequel is Catnip, the love child of Catwoman and Poison Ivy. - Kevin McGehee.

Eat a PETA? - Will Vehrs.

"Say, lady, it's illegal to carry a sign around like that. You better give it to us." - Charles Austin.

Bobby purses his lips and tries to think of the appropriate charge. Hmmm..... - JulieC.

"Hmmmmmmmmm...." - Rags.

Two boobs exposed. - Charles Austin.

Truth in advertising took on a whole new meaning to the men in blue as they read the "Kitten For Sale" sign. - Susan Hogan.

"What a time to come on duty...." - Will Vehrs.

"Damn, Julie Newmar still looks grrrrrreat!" - Charles Austin.

"Hey lady, do those leaves go all the way down?" - Kevin McGehee.

Juanita, the pussycat cab driver, saunters past the guards looking for her fare. - JulieC.

"Here I come, to save the daaaaaayyyyyyy!!" - Daryl Parker.

Janet Reno arrives at her "Dance Party" fundraiser. - Brent Thurman.

"Seen here at a recent dance-party fundraiser, Janet Reno showed remarkable lack of coordination, although her appearance did attract support for Florida's crack-down on the poaching of endangered species." - Johnna Chaffin.

The Department of Homeland Security unveils its new mascot. - Will Vehrs.

The U.S. Postal Service unveils its new mascot, 'Speedy.' - Kevin McGehee.

Validating the recent 4 cent postage increase, the Post Office today unveiled their latest rapid transport vehicles. - Holly Crisler.

It took good steadycam work to capture the determined expression on the driver's face. - Bruce Henderson.

"I like to drive slow on the driveway." - Johnna Chaffin.

"It's an air-flow chassie. Yes sir-ee-pop. An air-flow chassie." - Holly Crisler.

Somehow the new Volkswagen concept, "Turtle", lacked the pizzaz of the "Beetle". - Susanna Cornett.

After Ertle's initial dismal display, his handlers felt a little refresher course would help in the next mating attempt. - Bruce Henderson.

"No time for the in and out love, I've just come to read the meter." - Johnna Chaffin.

Packed in plastic to assure freshness, the heralded main ingredient for the soup festival is delivered. - Will Vehrs.

The Fijian version of Meals-On-Wheels. - Daryl Parker.

PETA demonstrates one of its plans for ending Turtle Soup as a delicacy. - Susanna Cornett.

Training Tommy to do wheelies aroused the wrath of PETA. - Will Vehrs.

"It's K-K-Ken coming to k-k-kill me." - Johnna Chaffin.

"This year, Rabbit, your ass is mine." - Holly Crisler.

The tortoise appeared unconcerned, knowing that the critical downhill portion of the race was still to come. - Bruce Henderson.

Unbeknownst to the crowd, there's a wild hare up this winning tortoise's ass. - Will Vehrs.

Mr. Tortiose reveals his secret weapon for winning against Mr. Hare. - Susanna Cornett.

Emboldened by incompetent government screeners, terrorists deliver a Trojan Turtle. - Will Vehrs.

"Kentucky's Senior Senator Mitch McConnell, sans helmet, makes a special appearance at Louisville's Extreme Skate park." - Julz.

Strom Thurman passes the expectant media without a word. - Tanya Stay.

Republican pranksters add wheels to Tom Daschle's legislative plan. - Will Vehrs.

Tony Hawk was understandably upset regarding his new board design. - Daryl Parker.

"Three-Eyed-Turtle??!! Yeah, well this four-wheeler'll just hafta do." - Dan Dickinson.

A would-be combatant in Robot Wars is disqualified after failing a test for organic substances. - Kevin McGehee.

Frustrated by the pace of their genetic engineering, scientists turn to a low-tech solution. - Will Vehrs.

Hearing that the Clintons seek a new housepet, Buddy the tortoise flees to New Jersey. - Noel Miller.

"Man, I smell like Phys. Ed!" - Johnna Chaffin.

The new director of Ipse Dixit's Caption Contest Security Administration prepares to announce penalties to be imposed on contestants who use comments to try to psych other contestants out. - Kevin McGehee.

The "Whale Whisperer" arrives in Cape Cod, just in the nick of time. - Will Vehrs.

As he reached the critical takeoff speed, Seymour felt a giddy feeling as he slipped the surly bonds of Earth. - Bruce Henderson.

Dana Carvey decided not to use this make-up for his "Turtle Guy" character in his new movie. - Kevin McGehee.

"Actually, Sandra Snail won the pageant, but she was unable to perform her duties as Miss Deregulation." - Charles Hill.

"Yeah. I saw this once, only it was a frog and a French Restaurant. Hey! Wait!!" - Dan Dickinson.

Tom Ridge unveils the latest in the war on terror, a shoe-sniffing tortoise. - Will Vehrs.

After months and months of being on Prozac, Tommy the Turtle is still depressed. Too depressed to even walk. In a last ditch effort, Tommy's owners, wheel him in to see famed pet psychic Sonya Fitzpatrick on The Animal Planet. - Rags.

Sadly, the shows cancellation deeply depressed Leonardo, and even Master Splinter couldn't pull him out of the depression that left him too obese and lame to support his own weight. - Chris O'Donnell.

"You seem to be outside the mainstream, Judge Owen. What I mean is, it gives this committee very little confidence that you seem to be unwilling, or worse, unable to take care of this parking ticket problem I talked to you about!" - Dan Dickinson.

"Mr. Attorney General, before you go, can you do something about this parking ticket?" - Kevin McGehee.

"Justice Owen, I would have voted for you, but when I had one of my interns ask you to fix this ticket for me - as a test - you refused. A justice who can't be swayed from her integrity by a member of Congress is not going to get my vote. Such independence is insufferable." - Susanna Cornett.

"I am citing you with violation of the consumer fraud protection act, a class four misdemeanor. If you would like to contest this ticket...?" - Theodore Brogowski.

"No, Mr. Ashcroft. If you want to dance with me, your name has to be on
this card." - Aaron Johnson.

"President Bush, just what do you mean bring home a report card like this?" - Bill Altreuter.

"I'll consider voting for you Justice Owen, but first, you have to kiss my card." - Ray Haynes.

"Is this your card?" - Mike Naftolin.

"I ain't listening to you anymore. Talk to the card." - Kevin McGehee

"The incompetent bureaucrat who ordered these wallet-sized cards that don't even fit in wallets should be fired! What's that? Oh, er, never mind." - Will Vehrs.

"Now cover the other eye senator. Can you read the third line?" - Charles Austin.

Carefully following the instructions on his handy note card, Senator Leahy prepares to whistle at Ann Coulter. - Kevin McGehee.

"Judge Owen, in addition to finding a pubic hair on my Coke can, I found this bookmark in my copy of Ulysses." - Will Vehrs.

"Senator Torricelli, did you or did you not remove this tag from a mattress in your room in the Trump Taj Mahal?" - Dan Dickinson.

The senator thinks to himself, "I knew this laundry list would come in handy as a prop in this investigation." - Donald Sutherland.

"Bugging my phone's one thing, but I'm sure there's something in the constitution about going through my dry cleaning!" - Daryl Parker.

"Mr. Secretary, I am holding here in my hand a document from the -- oh wait. No, that's my bar tab from last night. No further questions." - Kevin McGehee.

"Now. Orrin, you got the Ruben Sandwich. That's $10.75. Strom..." - Dan Dickinson.

"Now you're certain we didn't pick the right lotto numbers." - Shawn Botterill.

"This ballot from Palm Beach County..." - Charles Austin.

"All I can say is, our country is in sad shape if we're going to confiscate metal Security Edition Bill of Rights cards like this one from law-abiding attorneys in our airports. It's an irony I never thought to see enacted." - Susanna Cornett.

"Do you see what happens when you drive around Capital Hill with your window open? Someone throws in a copy of the Constitution!" - Donald Sutherland.

"The Constitution? Just what the hell is this supposed to mean?" - Chris O'Donnell.

"Before I'm finished, this is all that's going to be left of the Constitution." - Charles Austin.

"There isn't a damn thing in here about gridlocking judicial appointments. I think we're fine on that." - Mark Mills.

"As my Vermont colleague Jim Jeffords likes to say, there's other ways to skin a cat besides the constitution." - Will Vehrs.

"And the answer is..." - Rags.

"I hold in my hand, the final envelope." - Chris O'Donnell.

"You call this a bribe?!?" - Lauren Coats.

"And so, Professor Bellesiles, am I to infer that you agree with me... we don't need no stinkin' Second Amendment?" - Will Vehrs.

Okay. You know you don't have to act with me, Steve. You don't have to say anything and you don't have to do anything. Not a thing. Oh, maybe just whistle. You know how to whistle, don't you? You just put your lips together - and blow. - Ray Ekhart.

"Wanna hear my latest Karnak impression?" - Charles Austin.

"So what I'm saying is, since we're part of the 'Left', we have no idea what 'Rights' are!" - Mark Mills.

Bullshit Bingo. - Dan Dickinson.

"President Bush is performing "something-D-O-O economics". Class? Anyone? Anyone?" - leper messiah.