Inspired by a visit to the zoo and discovering for themselves that partial immersion in water really does make it easier for large mammals to move about, Zed and Selma are taking advantage of the flood to move all their belongings to the middle of Wispy Creek. - Charles Austin.

"Did you unplug this?" - Dan Dickinson.

"You're pulling my leg about fishing with a stove, ain't ya?" - Steve Lewellen.

"Think the meat loaf got wet?" - Will Vehrs.

"Martha, we gots to get that ham outta the oven or we'll starve!" - Shawn Botterill.

"John, I told you that was the water main! But nooooooooo...!" - Susanna Cornett.

"Hey Wilson! Look what just washed ashore!" - Kevin McGehee.

This was my mama's stove, rest her soul, and we are gonna keep it!" - Steve Lewellen.

"Damn, baby! Blue makes you look as hot as this stove!" - Charles Austin.

The Hudsuckers discover that water polo just isn't the same when you don't have an actual ball. - Kevin McGehee.

Senators Breaux and Landrieu move back to their hometown. - Robert Reich.

"This new Self-Cleaning oven is great!" - Joshua Fielek.

"Dear, God no! Please don't let them reenact the kitchen scene from Fatal Attraction!" - Franco Skalzo.

The redneck's answer to a heated swiming pool. - loki.

"Bubba, I’m not sure this idea of yours for a heated swimming hole is gonna work." - Steve Lewellen.

"I ain't eatin' no more o' thim MREs!!" - Dan Dickinson.

"See, Mama: I told you we didn't have to go to no fancy store. We can get a might purdy one, right outta the crick!" - Daryl Parker.

Bud and Edna took their jobs as product testers a little too seriously. - Steve Lewellen.

"Man...! These Sears scratch and dent sales just keep getting better and better!" - Rags.

After test screening the film for audiences, the studio decided to pull the plug on Deliverance 2 starring Billy Ray Cyrus and Maureen Stapleton. - John O'Connor.

"Well, Thelma, like the man said, there's a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. We're gonna be rich!" - Will Vehrs with apologies to William Shakespeare.

Opening Soon! Monroe's Blackened Catfish! - Dan Dickinson.

"This never woulda happened if we had a gas stove." - Charles Austin.

Janet Reno and Toby Keith help residents salvage their belongings in flood-ravaged Texas. - Kevin McGehee.

After receiving their new stove, Homer and Madge were eager to test it's Consumers Review Best Buy rating. - Steve Lewellen.

"Damn, where are we going to get our 6,500 calories a day now?" - Charles Austin.

"Excuse me while I whip this out." - John O'Connor.

"Hey, Betty Lou, yew got an extenshun cord at yer trailer? I want to plug this here stove in to see if still works?" - Brent Thurman.

"I told you the stove was too heavy to put in this boat!" - Steve Lewellen.

"What, the all-star game ended in a tie? But I haven't been in the game yet. Joe Torre promised me I could play. I even brought my own bat." - Shawn Botterill.

Bush responds to the question, "What should be done with Arafat?" - Susanna Cornett.

Bush knew to expect a little "chin music" from Tommy Daschle, the Democratic relief ace. - Will Vehrs.

"I christen thee, USS. Whoop-Ass!" - Kevin McGehee.

Showing he knows what women want, President Bush endorsed "thicker is better." - Will Vehrs.

President Bush today unveiled his new Wiffle Bat plan to battle terrorism. - Holly Crisler.

"Choke up on that bat, pretzel boy!" - Mark Mills.

Lay and Ebbers smiled. Sure, the President was coming after them with a baseball bat. But it wasn't exactly a Louisville Slugger. - Will Vehrs.

"I'm gonna bring this pitcher to justice." - Jim.

"Somebody find a blindfold! The President wants a crack at the pinata!" - leper messiah.

Pres. Bush unveils his new anti-espionage program called "Whack-A-Mole". - loki.

...The rest
Clung to that hope which springs eternal in the human breast;
They thought if only Bush could but get a whack at that --
We'd put up stock options now with Bush at the bat. - Will Vehrs (With apologies to Ernest Lawrence Thayer).

Being President means you get the biggest Popsicle.... - Daryl Parker.

In a eerie similarity to Castro, Bush demanded that the game continue until his team won. - Will Vehrs.

"I christen the USS Barabara Walters.... May God Protect her and all who sail upon her." - Daryl Parker.

"Let them dang crybabies go on strike. I'll cross that picket line in a heartbeat, heh-heh-heh!" - Kevin McGehee.

Bush loved the t-ball kids. They never ragged him about the corked bat Harken Energy let him borrow for softball games back in the 80's. - Will Vehrs.

Per 600 years of tradition, the current "outed" members of the secret Trilateral Commision World Ruling Council have to use the "stubby-bat" at the yearly Pork-less Bar-B-Q Picnic. - Mark Mills.

The man who traded Sammy Sosa tries to make amends. - Will Vehrs.

"Can you believe the doctors pulled this out of my ass!?" - Gary Quick.

"Is that Al Gore I see headed this way?" - Kevin McGehee.

Manager Dick Chaney, needing something to happen fast, sends in a pinch hitter. - Rags.

One thing about President Bush: He never chokes up. - Will Vehrs.

POTUS - Pinchhitter of the United States? - Chris O'Donnell.

The President was very disappointed after showing up at the naval yard with a bottle of champagne to christen a carrier prior to its maiden voyage, only to find out that what his staff actually said was that he should be "kissin' his career goodbye." - leper messiah.

After being verbally assaulted by local teens screaming, "Dubya is a Weenie," President Bush grabbed an ice cold bottle of Boone's Farm and chased after the perps. - Holly Crisler.

After spitting, scratching his ass, and adjusting his jock strap, the President stepped into the batter's box. - Will Vehrs.

"If I hear the word 'Harken' one more time...." - Kevin McGehee.

In an attempt to gain popularity among young people Pres. Bust auditions for the part of a beater in the new Harry Potter movie. - loki.

"See, even this can be considered a form of excercise for all you fat asses, I mean innocently overweighted people." - Sara K.

"Helen, that's strike two, one more and I'm gonna beat the shit out of your old wrinkled ass!" - The Hitman.

"And this will be the sign for someone to wake up Helen Thomas to ask the first question." - Susanna Cornett.

"And this is the Bat Signal. I use it to let the president know that Helen Thomas has a question." - Daniel Taylor.

"Longhorns rule!" - Will Vehrs.

"And last, but not least, Longhorns Rule." - J.M. Heinrichs.

"Go Longhorns!" - Shawn Botterill.

"Being from Texas, Molly Ivins thinks this means 'Hook 'em Horns,' but we know it best describes the content of her columns." - David Narr.

"Attempting to indoctrinate the rest of the nation into the Texan lifestyle, Fleisher reveals that the 'Hook 'em Horns' salute shall be used before all press conferences." - Alyx Parker.

"Canst thou draw out leviathan with a hook?" Job, 41:1 - Will Vehrs.

"Beauty without grace is the hook without the bait." - Emerson - Will Vehrs.

"Live long and prosper.... What?" - Daniel Taylor.

"So I said to Clinton, 'Live long and prosper.' And he said it wasn't quite the right gesture, and I said, well, sir, my middle finger is sprained." - Susanna Cornett.

"Hey, Pilger, can you read between the lines?" - Kevin McGehee.

"The middle finger does seem a tad bit adversarial, so I'm going to go with this from now on." - Will Vehrs.

"I do not hold down my middle finger every time I say the word 'Daschle'...." - Marylb.

"Dude, the White House totally rawks with "W" here!" - Rhonda Roberts.

"Yeah, man, Metallica rawks!" - Holly Crisler.

"Ozzy Rules, Dude!" - Brent Thurman.

"Yeah, sure, and like, you don't watch The Osbornes...." - Daryl Parker.

"Ozzy! Ozzy!" - Adam Capps.

"Please join me for the pledge of allegiance to Ronnie James Dio..." - Mark Donnelly.

White House spokesman Ari Fleischer responds to Ted Nugent's endorsement of the President's candidacy for re-election. - Mike Adams.

"Bullshit Rules!!!" - Mike Walby.

"And then, we'll release thousands of rabbits into the minef... well, yes, this is the President's idea." - Mark Mills.

"Now you will notice there is a very subtle difference between the bunny and the snail. Light, please?" - Ken Summers.

"Little rabbit Yasir hopping through the West Bank..." - Daniel Taylor.

"...and when my uncle Elmer saw the creature's shadow creep across the wall of the lodge he beseeched his companions to be very quiet." - Chris Fenton.

"Here is the church, and here is the steeple, the door is gone and the people inside are dead, because the church was blown up by al Qaeda." - Susanna Cornett.

"Topo Gigio, here, will be conducting the briefings from now on, so please direct your questions to him." - Daniel Taylor.

"In discussing accidental missile attacks, the president showed Mr. Putin how difficult it is to raise the pinkie without the ring finger rising as well.... The point was well taken." - Bruce Henderson.

"And this is how Don Rumsfeld's hand will look for the next month!" - Lauren Coats.

"And when I extend my thumb, it means 'I love you.'" - Chuck Young.

"I'm horny...." - Alyx Parker.

"Yeah, I've been with my bride twice since I started briefing you jackals every day." - Will Vehrs.

"Technically, Roger, the 'Goat's Head' is a declaration of unity with the "Powers of Ultimate Darkness". We're talking lawyers and investment bankers here. If I were interested in working for Satan I'd have become a reporter." - Mark Mills.

"...and in recognition for his tireless efforts in the last presidential campaign, the President has decided to name to the post of Director of Homeland Security the Prince of Darkness, Satan." - leper messiah.

Lyndon LaRouche finally gets one right: Ari Fleischer is the Anti-Christ. - Mike Adams.

"Keep thy tongue from evil and thy lips from speaking guile." Psalms, 34:13 - Will Vehrs.

"Yes, a question from the guy with the horns...?" - Holly Crisler.

"Ari Fleischer recounts his experiences while dating me." - melly.

You there, from Surfer Magazine. Go with your question, duuuuude. - Annette.

"All the Senate Majority Leaders in the house say 'Heeey-Yaaaay!'" - Mark Mills.

U.S. snowboarders invade Iraq. Fleischer: "Dust on crust, Yar!" - John O'Connor.

And let me just say once again that this President has never - and I emphasize never - submitted a caption for Ipse Dixit's photo of the week. - Kevin McGehee.

"I got nothing to say...." - Rags.

"I've got a couple of statements for you on the Harken Energy deal; take your pick." - Will Vehrs.

"4,000 Jews stayed home from the WTC on 9/11 because I warned them...." - Mike Walby.

"I can only tell you Points 1 and 4 in the Iraq invasion plan. If I told you Points 2 and 3 I'd have to have you all killed." - Kevin McGehee.

"Congress secures new partner in the hunt for Osama - price not disclosed...." - Daryl Parker.

"Two years I've been in the Hair Club for Men. Lot of good it's done me." - Will Vehrs.

"Go web!" - Daniel Taylor.

"Mr. Crowley?" - MTortflat.

"Yes, I did play Mel on the Dick Van Dyke Show." - Mike Walby.

"It's about this long. Anyway, call me...." - TJ Hanton.

Ever notice how you never see Ari Fleischer and Nigel Tufnel together at the same time? - Mike Adams.

"Hey, isn't that Ariel Sharon coming down that hill? And what's he wearing wrapped around his chest?" - Kevin McGehee.

"Momma told me not to come." - JulieC.

"If that's how tall the female Jewish track team are, we're in deep kous-kous...." - Daryl Parker.

"Who me? I'm - ah - I'm Mel Blanc. Oh, dead you say. Well, I didn't do it. I was washing my hair. Here's my towel. Go ahead, ask the guy behind me. He'll tell you I'm just a victim." - Susan Hogan.

The fireball from Martha's ego exploding could be seen worldwide. - Mark Mills.

"I should never have let Bill Clinton kiss me on the cheek after that Lewinsky debacle." - Brent Thurman.

"Another damned dove...! Shoot this one down, too." - Will Vehrs.

"Colin Powell, I just wanna talk..." - Tamara Ralston.

As simultaneous boredom occurs for both Arafat and friend during a tryst, it was noticed that the ceiling could use a new coat of paint. - Holly Crisler.

"Dang! They are so right about this headdress and it being a good target." - JulieC.

Arafat seeks advice on matching codpieces from Gene Simmons. - Daryl Parker.

"Psst - Stay close, look innocent and keep whistling." - Susan Hogan.

"I wish that one idiot in the back would quit yelling 'Wooo!' everytime we say 'terrorism.' It isn't helping things one bit!" - Mark Mills.

"I hate what they do, but you have to admit that those bulldozers are awesome." - Will Vehrs.

"Yo, Yousef, can you make out what that Israeli plane is skywriting? A - R - A - F - A - T - I - S - A...." - Susan Hogan.

"What does that spell...? U - S - A - I - R - F.... Oh, shit!" - Susanna Cornett.

"Yep, my ass on a flag pole....should have shaved it!" - Chris Fenton.

"Hmm, not bad. That bomber got some great lift on the bus debris. " - Will Vehrs.

Whatever happened to Ringo Starr? - Daniel Taylor.

"Kol ode balevav P'nimah -
Nefesh Yehudi homiyah
Ulfa'atey mizrach kadimah Ayin l'tzion tzofiya.
Ode lo avdah tikvatenu Hatikvah bat shnot alpayim:
L'hiyot am chofshi b'artzenu - Eretz Tzion v'Yerushalayim!!¹
Learn it. Live it. Love it, Cockwit." - Dan Dickinson.

"I know I need a makeover, but are you sure you can make me look like Will Vehrs?" - Rags.

"Why are all these Jews so damn tall?" - Will Vehrs.

"You mean... I lost another loan to Ditech.com!?" - Kevin McGehee.

Even the rat hiding under Arafat's headdress is alarmed at the sight overhead. - JulieC.

Once in a long while, when stepping outside, Arafat can hear a faint "Zip-pa-dee-do-dah, Zip-pa-dee-ay". - Mark Mills.

"That's a really nice kaffiyeh. I wonder if it comes in my size...." - Susanna Cornett.

"How's this? What do you mean, I don't have a good side?!?" - Will Vehrs.

"What I would not do in exchange for twenty willing virgins, some fried food and a very good cigar - alcohol optional..." - Tamara Ralston.

"Oh great, another week-long pissing contest between me and Powell!" - JulieC.