"I think I'm gonna puke.... That's the last time I drink with Jabba!" - Alyx Parker.

The Jedi that you're after are the Jedi you depend on. We block your shots. We haul away your scum. We connect your robots. We drive your x-wing fighters. We guard you while you sleep. Do not fuck with us. - Mark Mills.

Remote Voice: "This is not the lonely hotel room you are looking for."
Stormtrooper: "This is not the loney hotel room I was looking for." - Rhonda Roberts.

"Oh man, I gotta pee!" - JulieC.

"Yesh, I had a line in Episode Four. 'Look shir, droids,' I shaid. I was headed for the top. Then I had to brain myshelf on that damn' door. 'washn't my fault." - Daniel Taylor.

Finally, a disguise and a place that kept him safe from that priest at St. Bede's. - Will Vehrs.

"Hey, baby, don't worry... we can try again later. It happens to all stormtroopers sometimes." - Tanya Stay.

Another day blown marching on guard through a space station powerful enough to destroy an entire planet. And when he joined up the prospects seemed limitless, icefield battles, desert planet searches, hairy forest moon rodents to shoot at... and now look at him. - Mark Mills.

"Fuckin' room service. How long could it take them to bring me a cigarette holder and a straw?" - Dan Dickinson.

I got the Johnny Walker Scotch.... Now I hope this is what she meant by being "into leather...." - Rags.

"They all laughed when I failed the Concealed Carry test. I'll show those fools!" - Brent Thurman

"You played it for her, you can play it for me. Play it, R2." - Daniel Taylor.

It's 4am, you're in a hotel, you're drunk, you're well armed, and you're a Stormtrooper. Help is only a phone call away. - Mark Mills.

"I can't belive she left me for a Vegimatic. Sure, it slices and dices, but..." - Rhonda Roberts.

Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton weren't the only ones waiting for a call to mediate in the Middle East. - Will Vehrs.

"I pissed myself.... - Dan Dickinson.

You're not your job. You're not how much money you have in the bank. You're not the tie fighter you drive. You're not the contents of your wallet. You're not your fucking armor. You're the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the Universe. - Mark Mills.

"Please, honey, can we play something other than 'The Stormtrooper and the Wookie Queen' tonight? This thing chafes something fierce." - Daniel Taylor.

"I wonder what they mean by 'the broad side of a barn'...?" - Brent Thurman

Even in the heavy mask, Bo could not escape the seediness of his hotel room. - JulieC.

"I hate meeting Dodd in Ottawa," the androgynous Chris24X muttered bitterly. - Will Vehrs.

This poor ma is listening to Ethyl Merman's rendition of "I gotta be me." Tomorrow's laser-sword through the gut will be like an old friend. - Mark Mills.

"And how many times did I tell the Empire about the weakness in the Death Star? Did they listen? Noooooo! And so look at me now, unemployed, who the hell is going to hire a stormtrooper!?" - Alyx Parker.

XFZMR's career as an alien prostitute was off to a rocky start. - Will Vehrs.

"This is the last time I listen to Leonard Cohen alone..." - Rhonda Roberts.

"Sweet Jeezuz! Every stray chick in the Empire want's me to wear this to bed. Are you alright in there?!" - Dan Dickinson.

Hoping to impress his own princess, Jimmy goes all out for the Episode II premiere. - JulieC.

"So, could the Force make the Emperor so powerful he couldn't even kill himself? Man that's deep!" - Mark Mills.

Of all the places to crash, Roswell had to be the worst.... - Will Vehrs.

"Is that 'Bill' I smell on your breath Elton?" - Sara K.

"Oh, Hillary, seems to me you've lived your life like a candle in the wind...." - Will Vehrs.

"I'm a bitch, I'm a bitch, Oh the bitch is back..." - Brent Thurman.

"I told you, he's mine!" - Rags.

The ultimate Fag Hag. - John Paul Straub.

"God, I hope I get some tongue. I haven't had any tongue in so long." - JulieC.

"Soft lights, soft music, soft money.... This is so perfect, Elton." - Will Vehrs.

"That ain't Diana, dumbfuck." - Dan Dickinson.

"I don't want anybody else, When I think about you, I touch myself...." - Chris O'Donnell.

"I love what you've done with that divine pink shawl!" - Will Vehrs.

"If you act like you're enjoying this, Elton, you can have my pearl bracelet." - JulieC.

"Would the real Elton John please stand up?" - Alyx Parker.

Elton's hoping, "God, I hope she really isn't going to kiss me with that thing". Hillary's hoping "God, I hope he really isn't going to kiss me with that thing." - Sara K.

"C'mon Hillary, get this over with... Bill's next." - JulieC.

"Don't you worry, honey. Once I get this girdle on you, the wedding dress will fit just fine!" - Tanya.

"It's in there somewhere, sir, I'm sure of it." - Mark Mills.

"I swear, MaryJo, I had no idea that dildo was yours!" - JulieC.

"It's got to be here somewhere!" - Dan Dickinson.

This is the most unevenly matched game of twister ever! - Rhonda Roberts.

"Usually it's pretty easy to find on you guys. When was the last time you saw it?" - Will Vehrs.

Monica Lewinsky meets the President of the World Sumo Wrestler's Association. - Joey Arena.

Me and you and you and me
No matter how they toss the dice, it has to be
The only one for me is you, and you for me
So happy together - Mark Mills.

Unfortunately, that the 'roll in flour and look for the wet spot' method does not work on the male of the species. - Phil Milwood.

"Are you sure this treatment is tax-deductible?" - Will Vehrs.

"Ok, there.... Now you can enter the priesthood." - JulieC.

"I think I found it.... Can you feel that?" - Rags.

"Clearly fighting outside of her weight class, Bambie attempted to bodyslam her opponent." - Tanya.

"Um, it's to the right a little... Yup! Right there!" - Amy Richard.

"I swear doc, I was just standing on a chair, cleaning the gerbil's cage, when..." - Joey Arena.

"Actually, I had something else in mind when I said, 'I want to toss a huge, naked black guy.'" - Mark Mills.

Hey, hey hey, it's the first day of class at Fat Albert's School of Sumo Wrestling! - Beth Teaford.

Something had gone terribly wrong with Jamal's collagen treatments. - Will Vehrs.

"Momma, are we going to the store?" - Dave.

"Arthur Murray Asia: Worldwide it's still one-two-three-One-two-three..." - Dan Dickinson.

A scene mercifully cut from the new show Jill and the FatMan. - JulieC.

The Escobar's #1 "Mule" is shocked when he is finally made to submit to a cavity search for the first time in his 20-year career. - Joey Arena.

Brenda always wondered what "living large" was like. - Will Vehrs.

Bob had to pay sue "tons" of over time to hold his belly up. - Rhonda Roberts.

"I can hear the ocean! Oh, wait!" - Dan Dickinson.

Before she "clicked" with the Call for Help folks on TechTV, Playboy and ESPN both passed on Schwartz's proposed "Cat's Dicks" segment. - Ciscley.

At Fats' Gym, our personal trainers specialize in the 'personal.'" - Will Vehrs.

"I can't find them either." - Brent Thurman.

"Man, once you leave pro sports, you can let yourself go if you're not careful," Rosie Greer tells a reporter at the "NFL Legends" press conference in Seattle this week. - Joey Arena.

"Now turn your head and cough...." - Ray Eckhart.

"Our next contestant in the power-lifting competition, Barbie Ann Smith." - Tanya.

"Your brother Jake threw things during church once.... Once." - Ken Pugh.

When she told the father to "meet her in the rectory", she meant something entirely less Sodomitic. - Mark Mills.

"What do you mean I didn't get the role the play the 'Flying Nun'... I still have one good eye!" - Rags.

Having converted to Catholocism, Mulla Omar is now known as Mother Mullah. - Kevin Jacox.

Eleanor Ness, undercover agent for Victoria's Secret, heads off yet another threat to national security by the notorious 'Intern Gang.' - Daryl Parker and Mark Orzechowski.

Buddy Hackett is best known for his classic "one-eyed nun" routine, in which he implores the audience to vote for Eisenhower and drink Ovaltine. - Caleb Brown.

Here we find the Abbess of Our Lady of Blessed Firepower preparing to read from the 3rd book of Armaments... - Ken Pugh.

The original "Church Lady" reacts to the dismissal of her lawsuit against Dana Carvey. - Will Vehrs.

"I told the Cardinal if he tried that it could put my eye out!" - Dan Dickinson.

Practical exams in full flight for 'Internship 101.' - Daryl Parker and Mark Orzechowski.

"She's the one eye love!" - Brent Thurman.

"I never saw a priest molest a boy, not a single time." - Will Vehrs.

"From the book of Psalms, 'Remember that the little bastards have pointy fingers.'" - Ken Pugh.

"After all that has happened in the past few months, Father John's 'Crossdressing, Yodelling, Pirate Priest' bit just doesn't seem funny any more." - Mark Mills.

The school voucher movement finally settles on a spokesperson. - Will Vehrs.

"Sister Mary Luftwaffe! She is wearing the same device as Major Strasser in Casablanca!" - Dan Dickinson.

"The knots I learnt at Brownies.... Cool huh?" - Daryl Parker and Mark Orzechowski.

Robbie Coletrane really wished he could get better roles. - Ken Pugh.

Suddenly that joke about cannibals that ends "Nun Shall Pass" clicked with Sister Mary. - Mark Mills.

Sister Beatrice vehemently denies charges of sexual impropriety with her sixth grade class. - Will Vehrs.

"I swear I didn't see a thing!" - Rags.

"Five is right out!" - Ken Pugh.

Oh, I'm sure I haven't seen the half of what goes on in the Sacristy... - Will Vehrs.

"...I want a jet fuelled and ready to go. And some decent underwear for Christ's sake!!" - Daryl Parker and Mark Orzechowski.